Bruno's pushing it

"ME!? Of course not, I would never grab another man's ass."

Like it or not (and I'm assuming a lot of people don't care) Sasha Baron Cohen's oober gay persona Bruno will be here sooner rather than later. As such, his ridiculous antics have started up in hopes of promoting what I think will be a HUGE disappointment in respect to BORAT.

BORAT was kinda funny the first go around, but I found it very hard to watch a second time. I'd remembered it being much better than it really was. Antics like this make me think of Tom Green (you remember him don't you?) and guys like him come and go quickly. Usually never to be heard from again.

His latest "stunts" have the MPAA throwing an NC-17 rating his way. Evidently there was some butt sex, and random nudity which ruffled some tail feathers and caused a commotion with the studio. I'm hardly surprised. Cohen will have to tone it down to the rank of "R" if it's to hit theaters, so alas we may not get to see any butt sex. That just ruins my whole day.

My Two Cents: "I'm curious to see how the gay community reacts to this. I can't see them finding BRUNO very funny."

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The Kung Fu kid?

"And DON'T forget the extra chicken balls with my order, or I'll grind you and your fruity little friend here into red sauce."

In case some of you haven't heard, (and as much as it pains me to tell you) a remake of THE KARATE KID is in the works and will destroy a piece of my childhood very soon. As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly thrilled with this idea.

Firstly, Will Smith's sad excuse for an kid actor, Jaden will be playing the role of Daniel. This alone is cause for alarm. Then we have Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi, which makes me wince. Did I mention Jaden (or the anti-Christ of remakes as I like to call him) wants to scrap the whole tournament thing and take a more video game fighting approach? Yeah...that worked really well for the latest STREET FIGHTER.

And today we get the movie's title, THE KUNG FU KID (cause I guess THE KARATE KID just wasn't cutting it). I've been silently cursing Will Smith and his family for this outrage, and the news just keeps getting more and more bleak. The fact someone out there thought this mess was a great idea has made a little piece of me die inside.

My Two Cents: "Soooo, Jaden Smith's weakass performance as a spoiled little bitch in THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL inspired the confidence for a KARATE KID remake? Seriously?"

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Review: LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

"Don't mind my son here, he's the product of bad inbreeding."

While on vacation with her parents at their isolated summer home, Mari borrows the car to go see a friend. Both girls are abducted, tortured and left for dead. Shot, and barely alive, Mari makes it back home, only to find her parents have unknowingly taken the killers in for the night. Furious, her parents take their revenge.

I love a good revenge flick, and when I saw the trailer I KNEW I'd enjoy this. And I was right. The movie does kinda takes its time building up to good stuff (I really felt their revenge came and went too damn quick) and had it been me, I'd have made them suffer a shit ton more. So in that respect I was a little disappointed, but I certainly enjoyed what I got.

Now, I understand they wanted you to hate these people, and hate them something fierce, but any rape scene (no matter how graphic) is difficult to watch. And this was no different. It reminded me of THE HILLS HAVE EYES, more specifically, the scene in the trailer with the mother and daughter. I had a hard time with that one as well. And despite the fact I enjoyed the movie, that scene completely ruined it for me to the point where I haven't watched it a second time. And probably never will.

The cast here is pretty solid, Tony Goldwyn as Dr. Collingwood, (he also played a doctor in an episode of DEXTER) Monica Potter as Mrs. Collingwood, (a very good actress, but I haven't seen her around much lately) and it was cool seeing Martha MacIssac (from SUPERBAD) even though she plays the role of "friend who gets smoked". She died well.

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT isn't a bad flick by any stretch. I like seeing people fight back and the bad guys get what they deserve. The concept here was very much like HOSTEL, and man did I LOVE the ending of that flick. Kinda sucked when Jay gets smoked at the very beginning of the sequel, but hey, at least he got to kick some ass in the first one. I'm thinking this will get an the unrated treatment come DVD time, I just hope they don't embellish on the rape part. I think the point is well taken as is. That said, this movie is well worth seeing and much better than the average fluff horror.

Catch the trailer for LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl2lmFPBGN8

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Marvel's writer rollcall

"There's no shortage of characters in the Marvel Universe...but are they all big screen worthy?"

Marvel is gearing up and looking to the future (or as I understand it, looking at the DARK KNIGHT profit figures and eagerly plotting to get a piece of the action). They're putting together a team of writers who will gather and talk shop about what heroes to bring us next.

Now here's the lowdown. I collected my share of comics as a kid and I'm no stranger to the many faces of the Marvel lineup. But more isn't always better. Spidey, the X-men, Hulk, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Ironman, Catwoman, Elektra and Daredevil have all come and gone. Some were great, and some were God awful horrible. But here's the thing, THESE are the best of the bunch.

Sure, we have Deadpool, X-Force, Dr. Strange and maybe a few others, but after that the pickings become rather slim as far as the "cool" factor goes. Marvel features lots of different "end game" storylines which make use of all their heroes coming together at once, but I think we're pretty far from seeing those. If indeed we ever do.

I think they should focus on making CAPTAIN AMERICA, THOR and THE AVENGERS the best films they can possibly be, before worrying about what "could be". The greedy bastards.

My Two Cents: "On the flip side, I thought DC's hero the Green Arrow was pretty ridiculous until they put him in SMALLVILLE. Maybe with the proper tweaking, just about any hero can be cool. Who knows."

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Lindsay Lohan is done

"And she wonders why her image is a joke in Hollywood. Nice shower curtain."

Lohan really had a good thing going for her back when MEAN GIRLS came out. She was hot, cool and respected enough to be given a solid role. Now I kid Hollywood a lot, well, because it's Hollywood. But most actors and actresses work their ass's off to entertain us. Making movies isn't easy work by any means.

Of course, Lindsey's bitching about not getting a fair shake in the tabloids. Well, she started making shitty movies like HERBIE: FULLY LOADED, I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, and her latest shit storm LABOR PAINS which is going straight to DVD and avoiding the theater altogether (thank God). And if her lack of film talent wasn't enough, she's slammed the media, got caught drinking and driving, posed nude for extra cash and then suddenly went lesbo with some ass ugly DJ poser chick. Hmmm, I see her point. The media IS out to get her!

Bottom line? Lindsay Lohan is a fucking moron who bit the hand that feeds her one too many times and now there's no going back. And if you're curious to see just how DESPERATE for money she actually is, check out the following link and be prepared to laugh your ass off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLJbuSo4oSw

My Two Cents: "LINDSAY LOHAN: Coming soon to an Internet porn site near you."

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Wolverine sequel coming

"Dingy basement ceilings make me so angry. Grrrrrr."

Despite the fact X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE looks a bit too overcrowded for a movie that's supposed to be about Logan primarily, I still have high hopes. And apparently I'm not the only one.

Fox has green lit a second Wolverine adventure. There's no talk of potential release dates, casting or scenes involving Hugh Jackman dancing, but they have hired on a writer. Of course, this writer (the dude who wrote SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE) admitted he'd never even heard of Wolverine. Interesting.

I'm choosing to see the glass half full though, cause it means I get to see Wolverine kicking more ass on the big screen. Besides, with Deadpool and Gambit being introduced in this latest one, I'm sure they can have at least one of those two guys in the sequel with a bigger role. Sounds good to me.

My Two Cents: "With all the infinite possibilities in the X-men universe, not to mention all the crossovers Wolverine has done in the comics, there's no end the amount of cool sequels we could see."

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Cobra Commander!?!?

"Why yes, I AM the lead singer of GWAR!"

Oh, the horror. I've been anxiously awaiting the first peek at Cobra Commander, but apparently I need to be careful what I wish for.

OK, I saw the ridiculous soldier models a couple months back, looking like some sort of alien crossbreeds. I watched the Superbowl trailer and had reservations. Then I see Destro's mask and screamed all sorts of profanity at my monitor. Now this.

I hoped this was some sort of sick joke, but the leak came from the toys (which mimic the movie characters) getting ready to be shipped to a store near you. My thoughts? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!?! How hard is it to make Cobra Commander's face plate, or even the KKK cloth he wears? And how in the name of Jesus's left nut did they land on the design you see above? It's quite a stretch to put it simply. Sigh. My faith in the GIJOE movie just spontaneously combusted.

My Two Cents: "Why God........TELL ME WHY!?!?"

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Review: PRIDE AND GLORY

"Did I ever tell you how I got this scar..."

When four police officers are brutally murdered, Ray Tierney (one cop in a family of cops) is asked by his father to help his brother and brother in law on the task force assembled to bring the killer to justice. But the corruption he unearths will implicate more than just the department.

I'm always up for a good cop flick, and I did enjoy PRIDE AND GLORY. However, somewhere along the line these movies stopped being action vehicles and ended up more in the "drama" category. I miss goodies like TANGO AND CASH where you get two cops elaborately set up by baddies and forced to work together to take em down. Now I seem to see more and more flicks like TRAINING DAY and STREET KINGS where it's cop against cop in a race to see who's dirtier and who'll go the farthest to cover their own asses.

I'm not saying I dislike those types of flicks, because I love those films too, but I guess I miss the good ol days when good overcame evil. This whole feeling of everyone's corrupt on the force, and will kill anyone (even their own) to get ahead is a big downer. I know being a cop is rough, but are all cops criminals?! Hollywood certainly seems to think so. I guess there's an added element of realism to be found here, but it sure as hell doesn't leave you with much faith in those we look to for protection.

Edward Norton did a great job (as always) and Colin Farrell kicked ass too. I can't help but feel I don't see Colin around much anymore, though I did seriously enjoy his in IN BRUGES and MIAMI VICE. It was also cool to see Jon Voight as a good guy for a change, which was confusing as he's playing a villain in this season's 24. I had no complaints with the acting here, the pace or even the ending. Just don't expect a happy one.

All in all this was a pretty good cop drama, with a solid cast and plenty of action. I held off on watching it until now, knowing it would be a bit of a downer but that doesn't mean it's not worth watching. You simply have to be in the mood for it. If you like cop movies, you'll like this one. Just make sure it's a rental, there's no need to own it.

Catch the PRIDE AND GLORY trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2Qu80hRoh4

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Review: I LOVE YOU, MAN

"I'm tellin ya man, those guns are real! Just look at the way they bounce when she walks. I'll be remembering her in the man-cave tonight."

Peter Klaven is about to get married, but suddenly realizes he has no real male friends and therefore, no best man. Taking his brother's advice, he goes on a series of man-dates in hopes of fixing this predicament. And when all seems lost, along comes Sydney.

You can't get much better than I LOVE YOU, MAN, when it comes to buddy comedies. The premise here is something all men can relate to, whether you've had the same best friend for twenty years, a slew of friends who're now leading their own lives or no best friend at all. One thing that will never change is the fact that we fellas need GUY TIME. And like Peter, some guys may not realize it until later in life, but in time, all men come to this realization.

Juggling life's daily chores, catering to your woman (or family) and going to work can eat up a lot of time. Even one night out the week with the boys is all the medicine you'll ever need to make it all worth while. Now Zooey does step over the line a bit, I mean come on, she and her friends make fun of poor Peter when he's friendless, and then she gets jealous once he starts hanging out with one. I wish all women were like Zooey though, at least she fixes things at the end and invites Sydney to the wedding. Most women wouldn't do that.

The jokes were great, despite Peter's God awful sense of humor. Paul Rudd and Jason Segel have the perfect chemistry as best buds, and it's a lot of fun to watch them let loose. I've been on the receiving end of best friendships gone sour due to a girlfriend who becomes jealous, and trust me, it's never fun or pretty. In a perfect world, guys would never have to choose between best friend and girlfriend, but then again, this is far from a perfect world.

The support cast here is also pretty special, from Lou Ferigno to "Mr. IRONMAN" Johnny Favs, not to mention a slew of Apatow-esk crew as well. I had a blast with everyone's contribution and it helped make yet another great noir comedy experience. After being thoroughly disappointed with MISS MARCH, I was overjoyed to have my faith in comedy restored here. I'm sure they're will be an unrated DVD in this film's future, but don't let that stop you from watching this baby in the theater. It's well worth it.

Catch the I LOVE YOU, MAN trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNElMm8otiM

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Terry replaces 50 Cent

"You like my Tricep? I owe it all to Euro Training baby! In...deed."

As I mentioned before, I wasn't all too crazy about adding 50 Cent to the EXPENDABLES roster. Now swapping 50 for Terry Cruise, that's more like it bitches! Terry's been around for awhile now, and is definitely what you'd call an underrated actor. Supporting roles and bit parts are mostly what you'll find on his resume, but the man is good at what he does and I for one, am happy has hell to see him join the team. If anyone looks the part of a hard ass assassin, it's him. Keep em comin Sly, keep em comin.

My Two Cents: "I've been a huge Terry Cruise fan forever. I enjoy him as a thug, but this guy's funny as hell too. Check him out in FRIDAY AFTER NEXT and as a special guest on MY WIFE AND KIDS as a personal trainer. If you don't find the last one funny, there's something very wrong with you."

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Reynolds on Deadpool

"Hmmm, Deadpool's looking kinda weird here. I really hope they don't fuck this movie up."

The concept of this film entices me. But the more I watch these trailers, I can't help but think of failed experiments like MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIALATION, SPIDERMAN 3 and X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, brought on by trying to cram too many damn characters into the film. You know, I really hoped Hollywood would get the fucking picture by now. Apparently, they still don't.

Reynolds recently told MTV that this (above pic) was indeed his character Deadpool in the WOLVERINE flick. You never really see Deadpool appearing normal in the comics, (like he does in most of the trailers) and I've NEVER seen him looking like he does above. To be perfectly honest, I thought maybe that was Mr. Sinister at first. Nope, it's Deadpool alright.

I don't know what to think at this point, but I won't give up hope just yet. Another month or so and I'll have my answer. I just hope we get to see Deadpool in the red suit and mask. Oh, and yeah, I also hope the movie doesn't suck ass.

My Two Cents: "I would've thought the spotlight would fall more on Gambit or Sabertooth as the secondary character of this film. Not Deadpool. In retrospect, if done well, I'm not exactly complaining either."

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Cruise on MI 4

"TAKE THAT, gay thoughts!"

I really hope I'm not the only one pumped for more MISSION IMPOSSIBLE action. I loved the first one, (I still can't believe people whined that it was too complex. Idiots.) the second one wasn't bad (I honestly should rewatch it) and the third one was pretty solid (I enjoyed the humanizing of Ethan's character).

I know, I know, there's more than a couple Cruise haters out there, but to them I kindly extend my middle finger and smile. I think Tom Cruise rocks and another MI is much welcomed in my books. It's in the beginning stages at the moment, but I'll be sure to keep everyone posted as new info comes to light.

My Two Cents: "With all the BOURNES, BONDS and other knockoff franchises out there, it must be hard to bring cutting edge material to the table."

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Expendables date set

"I still (for the life of me) can't figure out how these two guys NEVER made an action flick together."

Sly, Sly, Sly. You have my undivided attention as far as EXPENDABLES goes, and I'm loving the addition of "The Texas Rattlesnake" Stone Cold Steve Austin. That said, I'm not exactly sporting wood over the news of 50 Cent. I mean, seeing him in RIGHTEOUS KILL as a drug dealer (which I'm sure wasn't a hard stretch for him to pull off) is one thing, but putting him in this opus of testosterone based awesomeness does force me to raise an eyebrow.

Casting aside, we now have a due date to circle on our calenders, April 23 2010. God that sounds like a long ways away doesn't it? Just when you think this thing can't get any cooler, Stallone pulls a Rambo and drops another bombshell. And as you can plainly see, he's got plenty of time to keep em coming. Seriously though, how much bigger can this movie get?!

My Two Cents: "If Voltron comes flying down from the heavens to engage Sly in a final battle to the death come the end of this movie....I can't say I'll be surprised."

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Hamilton is Sarah Connor

"Wouldn't it be funny if the Government really was funding a Skynet project, and it was located in California?"

Some good news on the TERMINATOR: SALVATION front, Linda Hamilton will officially be reprising her role as Sarah Connor with a monologue at the beginning of the film. I'm very happy to hear it too. The new TERMINATOR flick looks great and the new direction seems promising, but Hamilton's presence is nothing short of paramount in my eyes. It will help ease fans of the series into this uncharted territory with a feeling of familiarity. Remember what Arnie said after viewing the trailer? He didn't quite get it, or understand where McG was going with this. His statement could have been considered bias, but I'm positive he isn't the only one with reservations. Her role may be small, but Hamilton's voice may prove to be a crucial part of this films success.

My Two Cents: "Skynet's been pretty busy it would seem. You used to only have to worry about a few ships and human size robots. That bad boy from the trailer was as big as a skyscraper. Good luck taking him down with a machine gun."

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Transformers 3

"Am I low enough, cause I can bend over much, much farther."

REVENGE OF THE FALLEN isn't quite here yet. Hell, neither is the full trailer for that matter. But after watching the teasers available to us (numerous times I'm sure) it doesn't take genius to see how huge this movie will be.

Apparently, Paramount's thinking the exact same thing. They've released a date for the third film, July 1 2011 and are pretty keen on seeing it happen. Who can blame them? Neither Fox nor the Beef have signed on yet, but we all KNOW they'll say yes. As for the big, bad Bay? I'm sure there's another island, yacht or small country he'll want to purchase in the near future, so I have a funny feeling he'll be on board. Like waiting for part two wasn't stressful enough. Sigh.

My Two Cents: "There's a rumor going around that Stan Bush (who wrote the kickass 80's tune "The Touch" featured in the cartoon movie) has a revised version of the song he wants to feature in REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. Here's hoping he gets the chance."

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Review: MISS MARCH

"Come on dude, you gotta let me tape it! You're gonna wanna remember your first time, and I swear I wasn't gonna put it on the internet."

After a drunken tumble down the stairs on prom night, Eugene comes out of a four year coma wanting to see his High School sweetheart. When he discovers his angel is a centerfold, Eugene and his best friend set off for the Playboy Mansion for answers.

The raunchy comedy has been quite the phenomenon of late, and for the most part, I've enjoyed the ride immensely. However, they can't all be gems and I've been calmly waiting for the inevitable to happen. MISS MARCH has been the first to seriously disappoint. I had two movies to catch in theatres this week and I chose this one first cause I felt like a good laugh. Don't get me wrong, I did laugh, just nowhere near as often as I should have or expected to. The premise was solid. Its originality caught my eye. The trailer was about all one could expect of such films, (I always dig an "R" rated trailer) but the truth is, it takes more than lesbians, nudity and swearing (they do help) to make a keeper. And this was anything but.

One of the most obvious flaws are the two leads, Zach Cregger (Eugene) and Trevor Moore (Tucker). Eugene is a whiny, unlikable little bitch. Any man's man would automatically punch this guy in the face each and every time he opened his mouth. I don't mind dorky underdogs, but this guy was too much. You can't empathise with someone like this, especially in the setting this film provides. Tucker was kinda humorous, at times. His over the top antics were nothing new, and I can't help but think his comedic appeal may have stemmed from the fact he looked and dressed like a younger Ace Ventura. It's not hard to see, and a gut feeling won't let me pawn it off as coincidence. Craig Robinson added his off the wall hilarity to the picture as Horsedick.MPEG. How could I not react to a guy with a name like Horsedick? He wasn't in it as much as I'd hoped but he did provide the ultimate gag (think dumb shit like Jim having sex with a pie or Bart Simpson's wiener) in which the movie will no doubt be remembered for. Though not for too long.

I'll never grow tired of this type of comedy, but they can't all be SUPERBAD. I really enjoyed ROLE MODELS, SEX DRIVE and MY BEST FRIENDS GIRL, so I know there's still great laughs to be had outside of Judd Apatow inc. As such, my expectations were higher than they should have been I suppose. This movie isn't a total wash, and with a bit more editing it could have really been awesome. Poop jokes aren't very cool, especially if you can actually "see" the poop. I kinda thought this was a universal rule of thumb by now, but I guess not. Another promising concept ruined, it makes me kinda sad inside. Oh, and Hugh Hefner is a sad, pathetic little man and his presence in any film is never a good thing. This flick is purely rental fare, and even then, only if there's nothing else.

Catch the MISS MARCH trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk1_kDJhyBk

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Destro's Mask?!

"No, I'm NOT Dr. Doom's brother Jimmy."

A GIJOE movie has been a wet dream of mine for quite some time now. I've remained psyched throughout all the rumors, pictures and directorial directions. And through it all I've been calm, though I believe in my heart this film has a fifty percent chance of being hot, steamy ass sweat.

That said, we're now looking at Destro's mask. I'm not angry because it looks like a cross between THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK and the spare hanging in Dr. Doom's closet, or the fact that it's completely CGI and unrealistic. I'm pissed because apparently they didn't care about detail. This is the film's MAIN BAD GUY for fuck sakes, and you're gonna let him go out looking like the Silver Surfer took a piss on his face?!

The Superbowl trailer looked sweet, but with all the technological advances in movies these days, there's no reason why it shouldn't. Hell, the new STAR WARS flicks looked great too, but visuals certainly aren't everything. So I remain on the fence, taking solace in the fact Ray Park won't let me down as Snake Eyes. At least he and Stormshadow look cool.

My Two Cents: "If they think this qualifies as a passable Destro, it pains me to imagine what Cobra Commander will look like."

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Review: YES MAN

"Don't look now, but I think Voldemort is making out with Dumbledore."

A man who's slowly ostracized himself from his friends and the world, opens himself up to all life has to offer after taking part in a seminar which requires him to say "yes" to everything.

I have to come on board first by saying I'm a big Carrey fan. I've watched ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE hundreds of times and I still find it just as laugh out loud funny now as I ever did. I'm still rather lost when it came to the horrendous sequel WHEN NATURE CALLS. The guy's a fucking detective for Christ sake. Detective=Crime=ten million ways to write a sequel without him ending up in the jungle and being squeezed out the butt hole of a robotic rhino. Naked. Carrey's been received as luke warm since LIAR LIAR. I didn't mind the TRUMAN SHOW, and I really enjoyed THE NUMBER 23. There were hits and misses in between, but such is the life of nearly all Hollywood actors. And YES MAN, was a film I'm glad I said "yes" to.

We get a lot of vintage Carrey here. The faces, the voices, even a song or two. I will say we're a long way from ACE and THE MASK so some of his schtick does come off as painful. That said, Jim's still got game. He's funny, likable and fun to watch. His character wouldn't come across the same way were it played by another actor, and I think as an audience we sense this and like him all the more for it. Bradley Cooper plays his best friend (Peter) who's had enough of his "nay saying" and is clearly ready to quit trying to help. I like Cooper, he was fantastic in MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN and holds his own very well here. He's a rising star, and I hope he gets his due. Zooey Deschanel was the extrovert "fun" chick (Allison) who brings Carl out of his rut and shows him there's a great many things he's missing out on. I liked her here, as well as in THE HAPPENING. Terence Stamp was a treat as Terrence Bundley, the man behind the phenomenon known as being a "yes man". The only guy I really felt sorry for here is Danny Masterson aka Steven Hyde from THAT 70's SHOW. His character Rooney was essentially the same guy, bumming around with Carl and Peter at the clubs, and then squatting at Carl's place on his couch. If this guy plans to have any sort of acting career, he's gotta break this mold and break it quick. Personally, I think it's too late for him, case in point, why he's stuck in such a one dimensional, dead end role. Ouch.

There's something for all of us to take away from YES MAN. It's very easy to let life rule you, instead of you ruling your life. We work all week, come home and in the process of relaxing it's all too easy to ignore, or simply "say no" to the outside world. Empty promises to friends and family build and build, until one day, like Peter, they just give up. This movie highlights the extreme, but I'm sure more than a few of us can relate on some level. I'm not saying you or I should say "yes" to each and every thing that falls in our laps, but it's worth the piece of mind if for no other reason, than to consciously review how many times we actually do say no in the run of a day or week. A couple dumb jokes aside, this was a fun film and worth the watch. I personally enjoyed the Red Bull love, as I too LOVE Red Bull.

Catch the YES MAN trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRv4CoXQoAQ

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Star Wars TV series

"Who'd have thought such a great idea would be twisted and usurped for years and years until the very mention of George Lukas's name could ignite a riot resulting in bloodshed and violence."

My writhing distaste for George Lukas became a cesspool of hate a long time ago, in a movie theatre far away. I watched EPISODE 1 at a midnight showing amidst the crazies and freak shows who showed up in legions to celebrate the return of a coveted franchise. There was a great disturbance in the force that night, especially as the credits rolled. I could feel the intense hatred around me. The emperor would have been proud. Since then, the STAR WARS universe has faced a bitter war, but the face of evil behind this war was not Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader or Count Duku. The enemy is George Lukas.

I'm starting to see him as the Uwe Boll of science fiction films. He had a great run with the first three films, but dropped the ball on the next three. His animated mess of a movie was "epic" in its failure and now George has surfaced to bring about another disturbance in the force. A TV series.

But before you get too excited (if any of you ARE excited you should be ashamed of yourselves) let me finish spreading the news. This series will take place between REVENGE OF THE SITH and A NEW HOPE, but here's the fun part. Lukas says the show will not include the Jedi or Darth Vader. Rather, it will focus on minor characters in and about the Rebellion as they gain strength in their quest to take on the empire. In other words, Lukas decided to take a piss on the fans by cutting out the only cool stuff and watering down an idea laced with STAR WARS themes but ultimately void of all the things which made it great. All to put a few more Benjamins in his pocket. If only I knew one of his receptionists, I think it would be fun to see how many death threats he'll get over this.

My Two Cents: "I'm not an unstable person, but if I ever met George Lukas I'd probably light him on fire."

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Diesel confirms more Riddick

"Love him or hate him, Riddick is arguably the coolest anti-hero of all time."

Vin Diesel. There's not a man out there who can tell me they didn't idolize this guy after PITCH BLACK and FAST AND THE FURIOUS took center stage. And he wasn't exactly hard for the ladies to look at either (followed by a shaved head craze that swept the earth. I started shaving my head before Vin Diesel came along. I swear). XXX and CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK hit theatres and Vin seemed like he was on top of the world. Then came the PACIFIER which shrivelled men's dicks around the world faster than you can say VD. It was a sad day.

People (myself included) started to think poor ol Vin died, or at least his career did. He starred in a shitty drama flick (FIND ME GUILTY) but sadly nobody found it anything but atrocious. I liked BABYLON AD for what it was, and return to action for the big guy. Was it a return? Well, you'll find out in a couple weeks when I review FAST AND FURIOUS. I'm in his corner, it's hard not to be as I'm a HUGE action man. Which brings me to the latest news: More Riddick!

Vin's on the fast track promoting his new Riddick video game (Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena which will be out soon) and revealed in an interview he's currently working on a new Riddick film. He goes on to say he's surprised people haven't heard anything about it yet, that's there's no buzz. Well, here's the thing Vin, nobodys been interested in you for awhile now, hence, no buzz. Video games won't create a hype for him either. It all comes down to his new film out this month. Either way, I'm pumped as hell for more Riddick.

My Two Cents: "I've had people say I look Vin Diesel, so I tried dressing up as Riddick for Halloween a couple years back. Good luck finding those fucking goggles. I finally gave up and went out as Alex from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE."

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Hartnett as Loki?

"Despite my lack of approval in the fashion department, Loki has the potential to be one bad mofo on the big screen."

WATCHMEN hype has come and gone, and the jury's still out on WOLVERINE, not to mention the roller coaster ride that is IRON MAN 2. So next on the comic book gossip list? The Norse God himself, THOR. This film has had its share of ups and downs, but things seem to be falling into place rather quickly of late.

First up, we have the rumour of TRUE BLOOD'S Alexander SkarsgÄrd (he sure does sound the part) as the God of Thunder. Alex does fit the bill in my opinion, he's tall, young, blond hair and gave off a commanding presence in as the vampire sheriff, Eric Northman. Hell, his cool factor alone had me rooting for the bad guys, so picturing him as Thor definitely gets my nod of approval.

Which leads me to Thor's nemesis and brother, Loki. Josh Hartnett is the latest name on this horizon. Personally, I think that's a kick ass idea. I love JH (yes, I did that simply to point out he shares my initials) and I just don't think he gets the love he deserves these days. LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, even his cameo work (which I thought totally stole the show) in SIN CITY, are proof enough he can hold his own, and I really hope he gets the chance to prove it in THOR. I'll cross my fingers for ya bro.

My Two Cents: "Hartnett first caught my eye in HALLOWEEN H2O, but became a full fledged pimp in my mind after his role in THE FACULTY. I still think Elijah Wood stole his thunder at the end of the movie though. I'd have bitch slapped him for that."

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FF gets fresh start

"This crew never were the most compelling team of heroes."

Well, if it hasn't become clear to people by now (though it should be) Hollywood has become smitten by the Goddess known as "Reboot". I can honestly say this is getting a touch out of control. I didn't mind the first FANTASTIC FOUR film, having gone in with low expectations. Only to be royally disappointed by the sequel (I can't even bring myself to type the name) with the silver surfer. Chris Evans himself admitted to the "Fantastic Voyage" looking pretty dead, and after the last atrocious installment, it seemed a safe assumption.

Fox Studios, however, has decided to beat this dead horse anew. Wanting to "reboot" the franchise with new actors, storyline and quite possibly a human sacrifice to the movie Gods to appease past mistakes. They want to bring the team back in a "Iron Man/Dark Knight" fashion. Uh huh. Good luck with that. This comes as no real shock to me, as I'm still hearing rumors of a similar DAREDEVIL project in the works. That nugget's still a rumor, but I'd be a lot happier if the two issues were switched. If anything, this should be an entertaining story to follow. In the meantime, the sacrifice I mentioned, they should really think about making it Justin Marks for the way he raped the STREET FIGHTER universe in the ass with Hollywood's latest "reboot". Doesn't exactly instill me with much confidence.

My Two Cents: "I'm still quite baffled by the last FANTASTIC FOUR film. It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed."

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Review: VALKYRIE

"Stop looking at my ass, I told you it was only going to be that one time."

A group of men within Hitler's army decide to rise up against him for the good of Germany. They plan to assassinate their Fuere and stage a coup by calling into play a revised version of a contingency plan known as operation Valkyrie.

Generally speaking, I'm not an avid fan of true stories. If they're not drawn out historical retellings of specific battles (GETTYSBURG) or war(there's no lack of those), they end up being some tragic tale (CHANGELING) poised to kick us in the gut and slant our view of society. And then there's the Hollywood dazzle we sprinkle on a tarnished theme (SCHINDLER'S LIST or any film about the Holocaust) in a sad attempt to exploit history for money. Now I'm not trying to be heartless, the World Wars were tragic and what Hitler did to the Jews was a travesty. But here's the thing, we all know these stories and I really don't think plastering them all over the big screen from various angles and views is gonna change how we see them. That said, VALKYRIE was something different. I expected to toss it in one of the aforementioned categories but I was pleasantly surprised to see it stand alone in another light.

Tom Cruise is bar none one of the most compelling actors of our time. No matter what role he's playing, he becomes this character. He IS the character. I don't care for period war movies but seeing him made me want to watch it. Of course, he had some help. The cast is nothing short of immaculate. Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Terrance Stamp and interestingly enough Kenneth Branagh who I haven't seen around in years. It would take me five paragraphs to list all the stellar work here, but let me tell you this, the cast was larger than life and all gave commanding performances. Everyone here took their role to the next level, and with Brian Singer at the helm, the turned this amazing tale into an edge of your seat thriller. I was exceedingly impressed.

Despite not being a big fan of Hitler and or war movies in general, I was still very much blown away by this film. Granted, it may not have the most happiest of endings (I'm thinking along the lines of BRAVEHEART and 300) it still managed to pack a good punch and keep you entertained until the bitter end. What I liked most is that you KNOW this is gonna go down the way it does, (or at least you have an idea) but the pace and most of all the tone don't suffer. Most films (especially true stories) spin a web of sorrow throughout when they know they're heading for tears and pain, making them a quite the drag to watch. Not so here, and in my mind, this makes VALKYRIE a much cooler prospect and a distinct pleasure to watch. Production for this film was a mess, with setback after setback when it came to its release. I'm happy to say it was worth the wait. Score another one for team Cruise.

Catch the VALKYRIE trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNvReY8clSU

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Heroes gets another season

"Not exactly the X-men......but it sure beats the Power Rangers."

Fans of the TV series HEROES will be happy to know it's been picked up for a fourth season. I'm still mildly confused at how they started season 3 (Chapter 3: Villains) and then crossed over into (Chapter 4: Fugitives) mid season. Yet, they're calling the next one season 4, when we know it'll no doubt spill over into a fifth chapter. Hmmm.

Bottom line, I'm all for more HEROES. For a TV series revolving around superpowers, you really can't beat it. Last season was a touch dreadful but they've really picked up the pace this time around. I just wish Sylar would find his father already, his story arc is really starting to drag.

My Two Cents: "I read one of the original characters is gonna take a dirt nap come season's end. I get the feeling it's gonna be Nathan."

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Megatron returns

"I'd be pissed too if there were icicles hanging from my nuts."

Ah Michael Bay, great director but not the best liar in the world. He's been dogging the idea of Megatron's return from the beginning, and who could blame him when the title clearly depicts "the fallen" character is to hog the evil spotlight. Not to mention Devestator. So poor Megs was left out of the press. Until now.

Hugo Weaving admitted to already doing his latest voice over for T2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. He may have dropped the bomb, but he was rather vague with the details so we'll still have to wait and see how exactly it pans out. Either way, we get more Megatron. With all these Deceptacons piling up, things are looking pretty rough for the Autobots. One thing is for certain. There's bound to be quite a bit of robotic ass kicking. I can't wait.

My Two Cents: "I'd like to see Megs and Starscream really go at it this time around. With all these heavy hitters, there's bound to be some dissension amongst the ranks."

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Review: WATCHMEN

"So who's up for a threesome?"

After one of their own is murdered, a group of second generation superheroes hit the streets for answers as an unknown foe sets in motion a plan to remove and destroy them all.

So the first big movie event of the year is here, and I have to say for the most part, I'm a YES man. I've haven't read the graphic novel but I'm far from a lightweight when it comes to comic books. I love the arc this story takes with its superheroes. A world with heroes, and all the repercussions brought on by their involvement in society and more importantly, the government. And what government wouldn't want Dr. Manhattan as an ace up their sleeve? There is so much going on in this film/story (I'm not sure which is the more accurate way to describe it) to take in and debate. The timeline, for one. Nineteen eighty-five, when the cold war was at it's height and tension was high in every social class. They capture the raw emotion of this dark world in chilling detail. It really is a masterpiece to behold. Life does seem a bit bleaker here, not quite the world you'd expect with heroes running around in it. But it does add to the realism, and make it feel believable. With the exception of Dr. Manhattan, these heroes are all just as flawed as the next person, which I also give my nod of approval.

I really like Jeffrey Dean Morgan from his work in SUPERNATURAL, which was a bit of a bummer considering you know from the trailer he bites the dust first. The comedian was an interesting character, a man's man through and through, but tarnished by the world around him. Jackie Earl Haley was phenomenal as the merciless Rorschach. This guy is MY hero. I would call him more vigilante than hero, (reminds me of Jack Bauer) but I thoroughly enjoyed watching the man work. Patrick Wilson is cool, and not a bad actor by any stretch, he's had a pretty good run this past year with LAKEVIEW TERRACE and PASSENGERS. And despite the fact he could kick some ass, I can't help but think he came off here as a big pussy. I dunno, I just didn't buy him as Nite Owl. Which brings me to Malin Akerman. I didn't really care for her either, and not just cause she was two timing the Doc, but her Silk Spectre alter ego just didn't cut it for me. Last (ahem) but certainly not least we have the man (or men depending on the scene) of the hour Billy Crudup aka Dr. (dingaling) Manhattan. The man deserves some mad praise for walking around naked ninety percent of the movie. I guess this was one of those reasons why people thought this movie would never get made, heh,heh. I was really into his character, and his growing detachment from humanity. I wasn't prepared for three hours of limp, blue sausage, but you kinda get used to it after awhile. Just thinking that worries me.

WATCHMEN was everything I hoped it would be. It was a brooding picture with lots of violence, sex, strong themes and vivid visuals, taking the comic book genre to new levels. Matthew Goode's character Adrian Veidt disappointed me in the end, as I said, I didn't read the novel. I wasn't as surprised as I thought I'd be, it made sense and went perfectly with the ideals captured in this alternate reality. I did expect a better end game/showdown, but that said, most comic book films end with a new beginning so to speak, always hinting at more in the form of a sequel. I knew going into this, WATCHMEN wasn't going to be like that, it was a stand alone story and despite this knowledge, I'm afraid some people will still have a problem with the ending for this reason. I can't really complain, the three hours went by pretty quick and when I got up to leave, I was satisfied. Zack Snyder, you didn't let me down. This was a fantastic film, and presently one of a kind. I sincerely hope this doesn't remain so. People should however, take a step back from all the hype and try to appreciate it for what it is, the first pre-summer blockbuster in a wave of kickass flicks to come. I just hope WOLVERINE doesn't let me down.

Catch the WATCHMEN trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXRdlOvLNeo

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Will the T-1000 be back?

"Ordinarily, that would be more than enough to ruin most people's day."

Good news for TERMINATOR fans. McG is talking about bringing back Robert Patrick as the liquid metal badass T-1000 in the next TERMINATOR installment. SALVATION is set up to be part one of a trilogy, in case some of you didn't know. I think it's a great idea myself. The T-1000 falls into the same category as Darth Maul, under "epic bad guys" you hate to see die. Besides, it'll be good throw Patrick a bone. Other than THE FACULTY, the only thing I can recall seeing him lately was the WWE flick THE MARINE. It was "OK" as far as WWE flicks go, but I think he could use the work.
My Two Cents: "I'd really like to see them try to explain how the hell a robot made of liquid metal works."

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Review: STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI

"The fuck you mean M. Bison wasn't Irish? Of course he was!"

After witnessing the abduction of her father as a child, Chun Li has never forgotten about revenge. When a mysterious scroll leads her to the slums of Bangkok, so too does it present the opportunity to face her father's captor.

Oh...my...GOD. Where to start. Well, I guess I could begin by saying the only things this movie had in common with the Street Fighter universe was a couple names and a bit of martial arts. How in the name of Christ Capcom signed off on this ginormous turd burger with extra cheese is beyond me. This was not the movie adaption fans were looking for. This wasn't even a fraction of what fans were looking for. So we had Chun Li, Bison, Balrog and Vega. Well, sorta. Chun Li was Asian at least. Balrog was black, and well, could possibly have been a boxer. Vega was a pussy, his mask looked like shit and he was in the film for no more than a heartbeat. And then there's Bison. Since when is M. Bison a corporate, Irish, blond highlighted douche bag?! What kind of STREET FIGHTER movie was this supposed to be?

Oh, and then there was the acting. I can't place too much blame on the actors though, after all they're only as good as the script allows them to be. Which reminds me, this was written by Justin Marks, the guy who's in charge of VOLTRON, HE-MAN and the upcoming GI JOE movie. Ouch. The writing was terrible. The lines were painfully awful. So much for Justin Mark's rep in my eyes. I love Kristin Kreuk, and her portrayal of Chun Li was pretty good. All things considered. Though her monologues were horrible. I don't get it, how do you fuck up monologues? They were strained and felt weak. Chris Klein's character Nash was simply ridiculous. So over the top and cheesy, you just wanna punch him and pray to God he dies. Micheal Clark Duncan looked like he was having a good time at least, though like I said, other than being black, he had nothing in common with Balrog. Neal McDonough was a pitiful excuse of a Bison. That ass hat Taboo was a worthless Vega. Robin Shou was a sight for sore eyes but I think he should have held out for MORTAL KOMBAT 3. My only real saving grace was watching Moon Bloodgood's cleavage bounce around. At least there was some good to come from this movie.

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI was utter and complete garbage. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. Jean Claude Van Damme's STREET FIGHTER was ten times better than this piece of shit. The martial arts was poor, and filmed in that choppy camera style where you can't really see what in hells going on. I hate that. Not to mention, other than Shou and Kreuk, it really didn't look like any of the key players knew much martial arts to begin with. Sad. THIS, is the follow up movie for STREET FIGHTER? Unbelievable. The least they could have done was make Bison actually look like Bison. He and Vega looked sooooo much better in the Van Damme one. I'm still in awe of this mess. And my favorite part is how they mention Ryu at the end, and a tournament. Sorry guys, though that movie would be infinitely better than this one, it's not enough to get the fans to buy into it. At least not THIS fan. Don't waste your hard earned money on this one folks. Wait till it's on TV. Trust me, even paying five bucks to rent it is far too much.

Catch the trailer for STREET FIGHTER LEGEND OF CHUN LI here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JybcyNuYUO8

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SPOTLIGHT: Kristin Kreuk

NAME: Kristin Kreuk

BDAY: December 30 1982

BORN: Vancouver BC

TURN ONS: Superman, Martial Arts

TURN OFFS: Kryptonite, Scotty


Born and raised in Vancouver, Kristin is a proud Canadian who never saw herself taking a bite out of the acting world. She liked to describe herself as dull and boring, mostly focusing on her academic future. All that changed in 2000 when she scored the part of Laurel Yeung for CBC's new teen drama EDGEMONT. I don't remember it personally, and I'm assuming it didn't take off. Fortunately, along came SMALLVILLE (booya) in 2001 and the role that would make her a household name as Lana Lang.

I love SMALLVILLE. It was a hard sell for me at first, the beginning seasons being more a High School drama, but if you stick with it, I assure you it will win you over. Kreuk shines as Lana Lang, the girl next door who steals the heart of young Clark Kent. You can't help but fall in love with her character, and your heart goes out to the two of them as you bare witness to the many trials which divide and bring them together. It's no wonder Neutrogena picked her up for some skin care commercials, the girl IS one hundred percent gorgeous. Which in turn came to light first in FHM's 100 Sexiest girls of 2002, where she was #10. She was #24 in 2003. MAXIM named her #67 in 2005 as well as #18 on askmen.com's Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2005.
We then saw her move to the big screen in EUROTRIP. Her small (but hilarious) role as Fiona went on to influence a song in the movie, which will leave you in stitches. Kristin shyed away from SMALLVILLE this season (which is rumored to be the final season) as a full time cast member, though she still makes a cameo appearance here and there. Her big project this year is STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI, where Kristin plays the iconic Chun Li. Early reviews have not been kind, but I plan on checking it out nonetheless. It was supposed to hit my city this week, but didn't for some reason. Ah well, hopefully next week. Kristin is a wonderful actress and comes off as a great kid with a lot of heart. I really hope things keep going up for her and that we see much more of her in the future. STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI opens this week or next depending on where you are. I suggest you check it out.

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Review: THE WRESTLER

"You got a lot of talent kid, but your Mohawk caught my left eye and I can't see for shit."

A sudden heart attack forces an over the hill wrestler to re-evaluate his life and come to terms with the fact he may never wrestle again.

I've been a big fan of Wrestling for as long as I can remember. Not only did I grow up during the Hulk Hogan era, I also watched Grand Prix Wrestling on TV and went to see it live at the local hockey arena whenever it came to town. Hell, I almost got trampled one time, when I dove in front of THE BEAST trying to warn him as one of his enemies came running to jump him on the way back to the locker room. Good times. Fast forward to today and I still enjoy Wrestling. The WWE has its ups and downs, but I love guys like TRIPLE H and JOHN CENA. I have nothing but respect for these men, they put it all on the line every night to give us the most spectacular show they can muster. This film, shows us the other side of the coin. What happens when the spotlight goes out, the ring gets torn down and crowd goes home. These men and women have lives just like you and I, and as you can see in this film, it's not always glamorous.

Mickey Rourke gave a tremendous performance. I really was taken aback. I like Rourke. I like him a lot. I still remember the first film I saw him in, WILD ORCHID (if you don't know it, don't ask). I recently watched ANGEL HEART after hearing about a remake on the way. I'd seen the cover plenty of times but never paid it any heed. The flick was great (classic eighties brood) and I've really enjoyed his villain trek here over the past decade and a half. I was a touch disturbed by his involvement in a Enrique Iglesias video, (Hero) but quickly dismissed it with a smile after watching him beat the piss out of the guy. SIN CITY brought him back into the spotlight and I was happy to see him. This new film has created a Rourke buzz, which may find him playing the lead villain in IRON MAN 2. Or so I hope. Marisa Tomei gave us one hell of a performance as well. She too decided to bare her soul (amongst other things) on very different stage for an entirely different crowd. The stripper storyline was somewhat touching, and hell, I'm all for T&A. Yet, I couldn't help but feel detached from it, like it simply wasn't necessary. And his lesbian daughter was a bitch.

THE WRESTLER reminds me of Rick Flair. He recently retired from the WWE but the man is sixty years old. You know he LOVES this business with all his heart if he's willing to sacrifice his body night after grueling night at his age. You'd have to. The late Eddie Guerrero admitted to being in constant pain while out there performing, but hearing the roar of the crowd make it bearable. It's this look we see in the eyes of Rourke's character "The Ram" when he's out there giving it his all. People like to say Wrestling is fake. I wholeheartedly disagree. For these amazing athletes, the sport of Wrestling is as real as it gets. And I will forever salute them for the sacrifices they make (mentally and physically) to entertain us. Oh, and Bruce Springsteen's song "The Wrestler" was bang on the money.

Catch THE WRESTLER trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61-GFxjTyV0

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Salvation's ratings debate

"I certainly hope to see a "full moon" come TERMINATOR: SALVATION."

Another bump (or two to be exact) on the road to Salvation. McG dropped a bomb at WonderCon this weekend by saying TERMINATOR: SALVATION would feature a topless scene (PRAISE JESUS) with Moon Bloodgood's character. Naturally, the studio execs are pushing to cut it, not wanting a "hard R" rating.

McG has opted for an "R" rating from day one, saying he wanted to remain loyal to the TERMINATOR franchise, but as we know, ratings can sometimes affect money and the studios always want their pockets full. Personally, we all saw what happened when ALIEN VS PREDATOR tried to bow out of their "R" roots. Didn't go over too well for them, and I can imagine the same could be said here. Time will tell.

Check out the new full trailer for TERMINATOR: SALVATION here: http://www.joblo.com/video/player.php?video=termsalnew

My Two Cents: "I would push for the "R" rating anyway. But a chance at a nudie scene will ALWAYS win me over. And Moon Bloodgood IS extremely hot."

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