Conan early Script Review


"And here we see what happens when the studio promises a movie poster BEFORE the lead actor is chosen. You just KNOW someone got fired for this."

Most guys (between the ages of 20 and 40) would no doubt admit to Arnold Schwarzenegger being "their hero" at one time or another. Sure, Arny made it big as the TERMINATOR and then went on to star in countless other action vehicles, but I'm a bigger fan of his Fantasy roots, most notably CONAN THE BARBARIAN (DESTROYER and RED SONJA had their moments but paled in comparison). I say Arnie, cause he was my introduction to the character, but there's a ton of comic books, novels, games and even a TV spinoff if you're inclined to look beyond the movies. So when I heard they were doing a remake, I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

If it were done well (and by "well" I mean violent as shit, with lots of crazy battles, T&A, and a solid replacement for Conan himself), but after hearing Justin Mark's kickass (mature) HE-MAN script was turned down by studios, I had little faith in a proper Conan script. Today, however, I got my answer and it would appear that Crom himself heard my prayers. Here's a taste of the review:

"The film opens with an unborn baby floating peacefully inside his mother. There are noises of a battle raging on the outside, muffled screams and fighting. Suddenly, a sword is plunged into the pregnant woman, and we see the blade just miss the baby’s head. The sword is pulled out as we, too, are thrust into the fighting. You might say this sets the tone for the script.

Now, how much suspense is generated when you know Conan will eventually kill off the evil doers, eventually make it to bad guy number one, eventually save the girl and the world? Not very much. The fun in this movie will be the battles, the action sequences, the creepy visuals, the under-clad women, the bad guys gettin’ theirs. The script does a good job of staying with what die-hard Conan fans will want. Lots of hacked-off limbs. Weirdo creatures like four-armed archers, brain-burrowing worms, and chain-enveloped ogres. Chopped-off heads. Nude ladies. Nude men. Drunkenness. Debauchery. Feats of daring-do. Close calls. Adventure! It’s all here."

My Two Cents: "Speaking of solid efforts, Robert Rodriguez's RED SONJA reboot is similarly coming along and going down this same road. Hottie Rose McGowan will play the red haired hellraiser this time around, replacing eighties blonde bombshell Brigitte Nielsen."

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TRAILER: Moon

I'd posted this in my featured trailers a couple weeks ago, but in case it was overlooked, here it is again. A brilliant looking flick (giving off a SOLARIS vibe) with Sam Rockwell looking equally brilliant. Sam's a bit of an underrated actor (take a peek at his latest flick CHOKE if you get the chance) but with prospects like this one, that could soon change. Here's hoping.

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TRAILER: Case 39

I HATE Renee Zellweger with a passion. She was hot in JERRY MCGUIRE, but all traces of hotness evaporated with the combination of two simple words: BRIDGET JONES. Be that as it may, this looks like a Renee Zellweger flick I would actually enjoy. A very odd role for her, considering her usual work, but I'm game for seeing if she can pull it off.

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Batman 3 talk

"Before Heath died, they were talking about a Joker cameo in BATMAN 3. My advice? Whip up some high tech photoshop action like they did in THE CROW and make that shit happen!"

Bale's having quite a year, and though he may be out pimping TERMINATOR: SALVATION primarily, folks are still eager as hell to hear what he has to say about the next BATMAN. Here's what he told the peeps over at Total Film:

"Will we do a third movie? It's got to be the right story. You can't make something like THE DARK KNIGHT and then come out with something disappointing. I would like it if people say, 'You'll never make a good third movie.' I say, 'OK, let's make a third movie in that case, let's prove them wrong. But that's just me. The fact is, I have to! I've signed up! Chris doesn't. So I'm in a bit of a fix if he says he doesn't want to!"

I think he's just playing coy cause he has to, I'm quite sure Nolan will sign on seeing as how the revamped Bat series is HIS baby and all. Not to mention BATMAN BEGINS sorta put him on the map (no I haven't forgotten about THE PRESTIGE, but that did come after). And still we wait on villain news.

My Two Cents: "I keep telling myself the more I write about how they should bring Bane into it, the better the chances are of it happening. Kinda like how I tell myself I'll win the lottery EVENTUALLY if I keep playing."

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Alien Prequel

"Nothing like a good look at the Queen here to suddenly make you realize that becoming an astronaut and exploring space might not be such a cool idea after all."

Well I suppose it was only a matter of time before they added this franchise to "re-boot" list, especially with all the negative buzz surrounding the AVP movies. I loved all the ALIEN flicks save the third one. Call me crazy, but watching a bald Ripley running around a prison full of douchbags trying to rape her, only to "give birth" to an Alien in the end as she commits suicide? Kinda lame in my book. Of course, now that I think about it, the half-human, half-alien thing from ALIEN RESURRECTION wasn't the series's finest accomplishment either.

Sins of the past aside, Fox is mulling the idea of a prequel around and had this to say, "There's been some talk. Rothman told IESB. Ridley Scott, Ridley is right now working on Robin Hood, but I think he's toying with the idea and that would be great for us. I mean, it's always been a matter of, really, if you can get the originator to do it that would be the greatest thing, so I've got my fingers crossed, all of them." Well, I certainly hope this amounts to more than just talk, but at least it's something to look forward to for now. So long as I don't hear about an AVP 3.

My Two Cents: "Though it may seem a bit dated, ALIEN is still a freaky as hell flick to watch. Seeing rows upon rows of face hugger eggs is enough to give anyone nightmares."

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REVIEW: Obsessed

"The fuck you mean I should stick to music!?"

Derek's on top of the world, new house, big promotion and a wonderful family to come home to. He soon catches the eye of the new Temp at work, and before he knows it, becomes the focal point of a twisted fantasy that could ruin everything.

I think saw this one a few years ago when it was called SWIMFAN, but needless to say I was still entertained by this latest reincarnation. Though not a big fan of Beyonce's (ahem) acting career, I was able to look past her and embrace all things Ali Larter. Now I knew Larter could be a badass from her duel identity persona in the first season of HEROES, and I dare say, she nailed the part of "diabolic psychopath" quite well here in OBSESSED.

The sad part (for men anyway) is the true nature of how this plot bites our main man Derek in the ass at first. Nine times out of ten, co-workers, the police, and least of all your girlfriend, would believe a woman would go this far to set up a man who has no interest in her whatsoever. Especially if the woman is even the least bit attractive, let alone hot. I felt for the guy when he was gonna report her, and then his buddy warns him about how it could backfire. Sigh, you gotta love the system.

Aside from thinking Beyonce has no business acting, I enjoyed OBSESSED. The story was pretty run of the mill stuff, but Larter and Elba's acting as well as their chemistry made it run smoothly. I wouldn't rush out to theaters to see it mind you, not with all the goodies just around the corner. This one can wait for DVD, but by all means check it out. Larter's on a roll, not only did she steal the show here, but she also managed to sneak her way into the season finale of HEROES, assuring her character will be back next season. Sounds good to me.

Catch the OBSESSED trailer here:


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30 Days of Sequel

"Not sure how much darker things can get, having your entire town butchered in twenty four hours is pretty rough."

30 DAYS OF NIGHT was a fresh, ballsy and altogether horrific tale that put more than a couple new spins on the evil world of vampires. Sure, they were ass ugly, but this flick did manage to shake things up a bit, which is never a bad thing from time to time. Of course, having Josh Hartnett at the helm made it a double dose of WIN for me.

Now I'm not sure if this new batch of blood suckers will continue to storm the Alaskan front, but what I can tell you is that their next assault will happen on the straight to DVD market, since the original failed to meet its 100 million dollar gross at the box office. It'll be based on the comic sequel "Dark Days", and to be honest, I think it'll do just fine on DVD as the production value of said movies seem to be increasing dramatically these days.

My Two Cents: "Don't underestimate the value of the straight to DVD market. That said, I will admit there's still A LOT of stinkers out there. Case in point, I found out last night they made an ANACONDA 4 this year. I feel nauseous for even knowing that."

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R.I.P. Bea Arthur

"Comedy shows like THE GOLDEN GIRLS, CHEERS, and PERFECT STRANGERS were all part of my childhood, and like Bea, they may be gone, but they'll never be forgotten."

Actress, comedian, singer and true Hollywood star, Bea Arthur passed away from cancer yesterday at the age of 86. Arthur was a beacon of light on the Broadways stage for years, but she was most notably known for her cynical, sharp and undeniably witty character Dorothy on the sitcom THE GOLDEN GIRLS. Arthur is now the second of four cast members to pass after losing Estelle Getty last year. The pair played mother and daughter on the hit show for seven seasons.

Admittedly, this show was a favorite amongst my grandmother and many of my babysitters as a kid, but I can remember watching many an episode and finding it very funny. My prayers and best wishes go out to Bea's friends and family, and though the world has lost a truly gifted woman, her legacy will certainly live on forever.

My Two Cents: "The balance in Hollywood seems off to me lately, we're losing too many great people and find ourselves left with no one to replace them. Hell, the ones we DO have are either checking out upstairs or forming shitty bands. Things are not looking good."

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Soundwave!

"Oh happy day, not only does Soundwave look the part, but now he'll sound the part. All I need now is to see him shoot out some tapes that turn into baddies."

Fan boys everywhere nearly shit their pants when they found out Prime would have his original voice in the first TRANSFORMERS film. Sure we lost out on Megatron, but I'm willing to look past it now that I can confirm Soundwave will be voiced by his original cartoon counterpart Frank Welker. Now if there was ever TRANSFORMERS news to be happy about, it's this. Soundwave had the coolest voice of all in my opinion, and while we're on the subject, he was pretty much one of the coolest characters of the bunch. Michael Bay is pulling out all the stops here, and it's really cool to see.

Oh, and I almost forgot, one of my favorite bands, Linkin Park are part of the soundtrack team. Here's a piece of what they had to say, "... we have been offered the unique opportunity to help score the film. The song we wrote is being used as one of the themes, and we will be writing various interpolations on that theme, and trying out some other thematic ideas as part of the (very large) team scoring the film."

My Two Cents: "Still waiting to hear if "The Touch" remix got added in, but either way, I'm pretty happy with the TRANSFORMERS news this week. The new trailer comes out this weekend attached to WOLVERINE."

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GI JOE: Resolute

Here are all eleven five minute episodes of the GI JOE prequel. Sure, it's animated, but it's still a pretty cool way to introduce the flick coming in August. I'm still waiting for a trailer though, but I'm sure it'll be along shortly. Enjoy.

















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TRAILER: Harry Potter 6

This is the third and final Potter trailer and I have to say I'm looking forward to this one in a big way. What started as a children's tale has grown into a dark adventure aimed at a mature audience. It certainly has my attention.

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TRAILER: H2

Well here's a special thanks to my man Benjamin over at GRAVETAPING for helping me (FINALLY) figure out how to post video feeds. I guess all that crap about Michael Myers not having a mask and this flick being a gigantic piece of turd were all false. I think this film looks great so far, I mean it is what it is afterall. The river of blood flows in August.

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REVIEW: The Poker Club

"Man, I know this is a horrible time to ask, but if you die...can I have last night's winnings?"

Four life long friends get together for their weekly poker game in Aaron's garage, the perfect boys night until a burglar breaks into the house and the boys accidentally kill him. One by one things start to unravel as the friends dispose of the body and try to keep their secret.

Poker fans be warned, this movie isn't about poker. Instead we have a very disfunctional group of individuals who's combined bad luck (and sins) make for a rather interesting watch. I'll admit the word "poker" is what originally drew me to this direct to DVD thriller, but it was the main character Aaron (played by Johnathan Schaech) who sealed the deal for me. You might not know him, other than playing the lead vampire in THE FORSAKEN, he's also popped up in a couple DVD sequels like ROAD HOUSE 2 and 8MM 2, and also an episode of MASTERS OF HORROR. He's an underrated and underused actor in my opinion, who managed to hold his own and carry the show here with THE POKER CLUB.

Now you might be thinking, "huh, this sounds a lot like I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" only without Jennifer Love Hewitt's big guns to keep us interested. Well, fear not, this may be similar in theory but it delivers a nice couple twists and an ending you probably won't see coming. And if it's a gun show you're looking for, well, one of the four friends owns a strip club so I'm sure you can figure out the math there.

I certainly enjoyed what this film was trying to do, but I gotta say it doesn't instill a lot of faith in humanity. I won't ruin anything by saying more, but there really is something to be said about the way this film pans out. Being a guy who has life long buddies like this, I'm must admit I found some of what happens a bit hard to swallow. Then I told myself, "it's just a movie", shook my head and went online to search for topless pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt. So basically what I'm trying to say here is THE POKER CLUB was a pretty decent flick and I would definitely recommend it. We still have a couple weeks until all the big boys start hitting theaters so this is a nice little distraction until then. And in case you were wondering, I couldn't find any topless Jen pics, just a bunch of stills from her craptacular show GHOST WHISPERER. Stupid Internet.

Catch THE POKER CLUB trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kdk9NnVpnfA&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fgravetapping%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F2009%2F04%2Fpoker%2Dclub%2Dofficial%2Dtrailer%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded

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Dorff Diggler

"C'mon guys, you promised I didn't have to show my wiener. This ain't Boogie Nights mother fuckers!"

I'm a big fan of Stephen Dorff, going waaay back to the JUDGEMENT NIGHT days. He was having a great run there for awhile, his career really taking off after BLADE. Lately though, with the exception of FELON (which I can't say enough good things about), I haven't seen much of him (until the above picture, now I've seen TOO MUCH of him). And soon, you may too.

Dorff is attached to play "Dick Shadow", a legendary porn star in the upcoming comedy BORN TO BE A STAR, about a nerd who finds out his parents were famous porn stars back in the day. Sounds funny enough, but it's co-written by Adam Sandler and his shit's been five kinds of God awful lately. Personally, I think if they try and mold into a GIRL NEXT DOOR type of deal, they could have a decent flick on their hands. For Dorff's sake, I certainly hope so.

My Two Cents: "Dorff was at the Toronto Film Festival a couple years back while I was still living in downtown TO. My girl and her crew hit the clubs one of the festival nights and by fluke saw him out and got to meet him. I'm still kicking myself for staying home that night."

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Rodriguez's ambition

"Yes, I could've posted a pic of Rodriguez, but why would I when his girlfriend Rose McGowan is so much hotter? Made perfect sense to me."

Robert Rodriguez has been talking about a great deal of projects lately, yet I'm seeing no proof to convince me they're underway. He was recently quoted saying this: "I'm going to be able to shoot my upcoming Machete here, a sci-fi action film called Nervewrackers, a re-boot of the Predator series called Predators, and a couple of smaller movies called Sin City 2 and The Jetsons."

MACHETE, SIN CITY and PREDATORS yes, but he kinda lost me with THE JETSONS. Is he pulling a Seth Grahame-Smith and adding a bunch of zombies? THAT, I'd be interested in. July 7th, 2010 is the PREDATORS release date, and I'm very anxious to see some pics surface. So stop banging your hot woman in bathtubs full of rose petals and get your ass back behind the camera already!

My Two Cents: "Apparently Rodriguez dropped his wife of sixteen years for McGowan. I haven't seen what she looks like, but I still can't say I blame him."

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REVIEW: The Uninvited

"Look, I really do want to make out with you, but I can hear your fucking spine snapping and it's really freaking me out!"

Still trying to cope with the tragic death of their mother, Anna and Alex must also contend with their mother’s former caretaker Rachael as she forces her way into the family. Convinced things are not as they seem, the sisters delve into Rachael’s sketchy past in hopes of uncovering the truth.

I never thought I’d actually say this, but today I was totally blown away by a PG-13 horror flick! It happened without warning, and truth be told I’m still a bit flabbergasted. And for this reason (and cause I don’t want to ruin it for you) this review WILL sound a bit backwards, but I assure you, like every great whodunnit, it’ll all make sense in the end.

It was somewhere around the one hour mark when I became convinced I’d seen enough to accurately pass judgement. This was a story I’ve seen a hundred times, held together by string of generic (and painstakingly predictable) cliches I was literally calling out before they happened. Yet, despite my boredom with the sub par plot, a small piece of me desperately wanted to like this flick. The locale was nothing short of paradise, the visuals and cinematography were stunning (that night shot with the sisters on the rock face = breathtaking), I had zero complaints about the acting, and the tense score went hand in hand with the "edge of your seat" pace. This film was action packed with cool elements, creating a wondrous atmosphere that was being roughly dragged through the mud by a ridiculously flat storyline. I was mildly frustrated.

The main characters (specifically Anna, Alex and Rachael) were my saving grace at this point. Their roles may have started out blunt and direct (the traumatized daughter, the bitchy sister and the gold digging slut), but things started to pick up as our three ladies were finally pitted against one another. The bond between the sisters felt real to me, special even. I especially LOVED their smart dialogue, teamwork and sharp detective skills. Elizabeth Banks was a convincing villainess (giving me a Cillian Murphy vibe from RED EYE), which I was totally into, making me eager as hell to see how things would play out. I wouldn’t dream of giving away the ending, suffice to say that all those annoying cliches I hated so much in the beginning suddenly became deliberate (and very clever) strokes of genius. Oh how I enjoy layers.

Earlier on I’d passed THE UNINVITED off as another RING/GRUDGE clone, mostly because the trailer was sporting cheesy gimmicks like black ooze spewing from keyholes, a "Samara" looking chick on all fours and visions of creepy dead kids. All of which, fooled me into thinking this was familiar (and unoriginal) territory. I can’t remember the last time it felt so good to be wrong! The Guard Brothers deliver exactly what they set out to, a smart, clever thriller with just enough horror and shock value (like Matt’s back snapping and popping underneath his skin) to keep the audience looking over their shoulders. The script was bang on, the cast knew what they were doing and nobody went overboard to make the final vision feel cheap or strained (despite the fact it was a remake of the Japanese horror flick THE TWO SISTERS). And as a result, this is the FIRST time I’ve felt so genuinely satisfied with a PG-13 horror flick.

Catch THE UNINVITED trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJ-ptYjksxU

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Brotherhood of the Wolves

"For the record, I experienced no joy in posting this picture."

And just to show the ladies that yes, shirtless men are ALSO a big deal (in extreme moderation), I've also captured the admittedly badass pack of wolves from the upcoming TWILIGHT continuation NEW MOON. These boys are lean, mean and ready to beat the sparkles off some pansy vampire bitches. Again, TWILIGHT wasn't the disaster I thought it would be, and I'm looking forward to some vampire vs werewolf action. The full moon rises this November.

My Two Cents: "I was mildly disturbed by Rob's photo shoot pic of him in his boxers sitting beside some dead looking white chick on the cover of Star magazine. That's some creepy shit."

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Biel goes topless

"Two questions: What's with all these actress's playing stripper roles lately? And for God sakes does she need help wiping off all that wax!?"

Despite my overzealous celebration of female nudity, I really do have respect for women. Honest! I must admit however, that when a hot actress gives in to the darkside of the force, throwing caution (and clothing) to the wind, it most definitely DEMANDS our attention. And in this case, judging from past roles, Jessica Biel has slowly but surely been heading in this direction. I'm not a hundred percent sure how good this straight to DVD flick POWDER BLUE is gonna be, but considering by the RED HOT pic above, something tells me DVD sales should be rather prosperous.

My Two Cents: "Waiting for shit like this to happen is an ongoing game we guys play, shirts and skins if you will, and this news scores another big win for the shirts! Next on our list: it's a tossup between Megan Fox and Scarlet Johanson."

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Crowe is back!

"Here we see Russell Crowe stalking his agent, furious over his last few casting decisions."

Russell Crowe took the world by storm as Maximus Decimus Meridius in epic to end all epics, GLADIATOR. And in doing so, earned both our praise and respect. I was expecting great things from Crowe (I think we all were) but as time wore on, Crowe began to wear out. So in light of this, I wasn't exactly stoked about the news of him playing Robin Hood in a new "vision" of the classic tale called NOTTINGHAM, even if it is being directed by Ridley Scott.

This first look though, has me curious to see more. Crowe shed the extra pounds and pretty much went back to his GLADIATOR roots (lookwise anyway), walking around with that bow like he means serious business. I'm hard pressed to think this film will beat Kevin Costner's ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, but I'm all for the chance to be proven wrong.

My Two Cents: "If Crowe unleashes half as much hell here as he did in GLADIATOR, we could be witnessing the rebirth of an action star."

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Animated GI Joe Prequel

"I say a quick prayer every night before bed, more than willing to sacrifice my own mother to God (or Satan) if that's what it takes to ensure this movie's great."

All I can say is FINALLY SOME FUCKING GI JOE ADVERTISING! I was really starting to worry about this movie (and still am honestly) as its August release date fastly approaches and other than a bitterly short Super Bowl teaser, some character pics and a poster or two, this baby's been flying waaaaay under the radar and I can't for the life of me understand why.

Well, it's not much (and does absolutely nothing for my blueballed anticipation of a full trailer) but I guess SOMETHING is always better than nothing. And our something is an (adult oriented) hour long animated prequel to the movie called GI JOE: RESOLUTE. They're breaking it up into five minute "episodes" with the complete hour hitting TV Friday at midnight on the Adult Swim network (I have no clue what channel that is, but it sounds to me like they cover the secret sport of nude (hopefully female) swimming). Check out the first episode below.

GI JOE: RESOLUTE: http://www.joblo.com/video/joblo/player.php?video=gijoeresolute

My Two Cents: "Being an avid sword collector, I jumped at the opportunity to own the two sword set from the GI JOE animated movie VALOR VS VENOM. The two swords belong to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow and believe me when I tell you, they look AMAZING."

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Dolph & Van Damme!

"Together again...but will anyone give a fuck?"

JCVD and THE EXPENDABLES have brought both Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren back to the big screen. And in light of this comeback of sorts (and the recent string of sequels trying to rekindle old franchises), somebody decided this was the perfect time to get these two soldiers back together for another action packed death match in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: A NEW BEGINNING.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER is one of my favorite action flicks of all time. The second one was a mortal sin which should have seen the writers hung by their nutsacks, and due to my obvious negative outlook on said sequel, the thought of actually sitting through an episode of the TV spinoff never even entered my mind.

Now call me nostalgic (or just plain desperate to see some halfway decent action) but I'm all for a third UNIVERSAL SOLDIER with the boys back to their old tricks. I'm not saying it'll rock the foundation of the world or anything, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't smiling in light of this news.

My Two Cents: "Both Van Damme and Lundgren have had a slew of straight to DVD stuff over the past few years. I caved and rented a couple of Van Dammes, but could never bring myself to pick up any of Lundgren's. I did THINK about it a couple times, if that means anything."

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OLDIES BUT GOLDIES: Mortal Kombat: Conquest

"This series was worth it (if for no other reason), than to get a more in depth look at the vicious feud between Scorpion and Sub Zero."

Mortal Kombat is a tournament held once every hundred years. The best fighters from every realm (go earth!) fight one another as well as the forces of Shao Khan, the merciless Emperor of Outworld who's only goal is to enslave us all.

I will always have a special place in my heart for Mortal Kombat. The games came out when I was in Junior High (back when arcades were still a big thing) and I was hooked after spending my first quarter. This was a graphic game, winning most of us guys over with the gory (but fucking cool) finishing moves called "Fatalities". The first three games started a cult phenomenon that's still alive today (I didn't care for the fourth one). It spawned a couple movies (decent fight choreography, but that's about it), comic books, various console games (that were never as good as the their arcade counterparts no matter how hard they tried) and finally a TV series called MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST.

Now I wasn't watching much TV at the time this came out, I thought I'd missed it completely but after catching the first couple episodes it did seem vaguely familiar to me. I knew I hadn't seen the entire season though, so I downloaded it and held my breath as I threw it in my DVD player. I have to say they did a great job at fitting most of the popular characters (please note, this takes place before the films and games, ie: no Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, Sonja or Kano. The main character is Kung Lao, Liu Kang's ancestor). Poalo Montalban, Daniel Bernhardt and Kristina Loken play our three protagonists Kung Lao, Siro and Taja. They all do a decent job of things, can fight well and have wonderful chemistry to boot. Siro and Taja weren't in the game, and honestly, I kinda though they could have gone with two people who were, but the two of them do grow on you after awhile.

There were more than enough villains to go around, Shang Tsung, Sub Zero, Scorpion, Reptile, Noob Saibot and even Shao Khan himself (thankfully depicted a hundred times better than he was in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIALATION). There were a few new additions like Vorpax, Omegis, Kreeya and even Quan Chi (who was in the fourth game, but is still relatively unknown). The great thing about a season of episodes was that you could explore all these great characters, instead of doing what the movies did by introducing them only to kill them off ten minutes later (if not sooner). Raiden was also here, and in good form, played by Jeffrey Meek, who doubles up to also give us Shao Khan (I had absolutely no clue until I read it on the website).

The characters were well done, the storylines not bad, and the dialogue (though sometimes cheesy) got better and better as the show progressed. I was particularily taken with Shao Khan's character, and as such blown away by the series' ending (which I won't give away). You'll either like it or hate it, but I found it took and interesting turn. They were gonna make a second season, but I read on the website that the network wouldn't take it due to the MORTAL KOMBAT games being blamed for the Columbine shootings (bare in mind we're talking 1998-1999 here) so we ended up missing out. It's a real shame cause I think these guys had something special here, though my love of the games may make my opinion a little bias. You can check them out for yourself by clicking on the "watch episodes of all your favorite shows" at the top right corner of this site, along with any other show you may be interested in. And for those of us who still love and yearn for more MORTAL KOMBAT, the third film (though still in production limbo) is still green lit and slated to be made. You'll know more when I do.

Catch the MORTAL KOMBAT: CONQUEST trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opuHye637Xg

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More Da Vinci Code

"Stay calm, the Church only smites heathens, musicians and members of the government."

Author Dan Brown intrigued readers with THE DAVINCI CODE and ANGELS AND DEMONS, the latter set to hit theaters in about a month. Both novels were a great read, and transferred nicely into film. Good news for fans of Brown's work, as the story will continue September 14th when "The Lost Symbol" hits book shelves worldwide with five million copies.

Sony is anxious to claim movie writes, and though neither Howard nor Hanks are officially back for thirds, something tells me that twisting their rubber arms won't be much of a problem. The third story will feature Hank's character Robert Langdon discovering a bold new way to piss of God, spit on religion and no doubt condemn his soul to hell. He might even win an Oscar!

My Two Cents: "Ron Howard and company were banned from all Vatican Churches in Rome so they tried sneaking in while filming ANGELS AND DEMONS under a false working title called "Obelisk". But it didn't take the Romans very long to catch on."

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Two Hobbit movies

"Unlike the Lord of the Rings books, this one just seems boring."

When Peter Jackson brought THE LORD OF THE RINGS novels to the screen, fantasy fans everywhere rejoiced. Sure, more than a couple didn't appreciate some of the changes he made, but all in all, there was little to complain about as these films were a triumph for the genre. But that was then, and this is now.

I tried reading The Hobbit when I was younger and found it far too childish, so naturally the prospect of having it hit theaters didn't exactly "move" me. Sure, having Ian Mckellen reprise the role of Gandalf is cool, but I just have a hard time believing the story is worth telling, let alone breaking up into two films. I'll hold off on being promiscuous until clips and trailers begin to emerge, but for now I'm less than convinced.

My Two Cents: "I suppose seeing Gandalf actually FIGHT a dragon would be much cooler than him conjuring one made of fireworks. However, Bilbo is rather lame and annoying."

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REVIEW: Crank: High Voltage

"Ugly cracka with funny hair go that way!"

Chev Chelios wakes up to find a Chinese gangster has stolen his heart, leaving him with a battery powered replacement requiring constant electrical charges to function. Pissed, and armed with whatever he can get his hands on, Chev will stop at nothing to get back what's his.

I can honestly say I thought I'd seen everything. Ohhh was I wrong. Now I'm a serious Jason Statham fan, and nothing makes me happier than sitting down with a high velocity, no holds barred action extravaganza, but this movie would have made even Arnie (the govenator himself) scratch his head in bewilderment. And speaking of Arnie, I'm all for double quarter pounder with cheese action like COMMANDO and ERASER. And on Statham's side, I really dug the first CRANK and all three TRANSPORTER films. But there's suspension of disbelief angles to action, and then there's CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE.

There was a heavy montage of bloody violence, nudity, swearing and comedic elements mixed into this film, but it felt as though they were really pushing the boundaries here. This felt like something you'd read in a graphic novel, with over the top deaths, gunfights, villains, and then some straight up crazy shit like a Godzilla type battle and a talking human head on life support hooked up to a bunch of wires in an aquarium. Don't get me wrong, they handled the absurdity of it all very well, but this really makes me question the overall sanity of the director, let alone the actors in play.

This wasn't a bad film per say, it's perfect for a "boys night" with drinks and the barbecue cookin up storm on the back porch. But by no means is this theater worthy at all, nor would the ladies enjoy this whatsoever. The action is awesome, and Statham is the kind of guy who can pull of this type of hilarity and still be taken seriously. Some of the things he does WILL make you laugh, and if anything, this movie's worth seeing just to watch a dirty, mullet sporting Corey Haim (in what I pray will be his LAST movie role) get the beatdown of a lifetime by a woman. That's what you get for making a shitty sequel to LOST BOYS ya washed up douche.

Catch the CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hEmtFrwurA

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Transformers 2 clip!

"Biggest movie event of the summer? I've got money riding on it being second to Harry Potter."

Michael Bay thou art a generous God indeed! Bay decided to throw us a bone and put a nice two minute clip of REVENGE OF THE FALLEN up on his website (which you can access below) to reinvigorate our excitement for his epic robot flick. Don't get me wrong Mikey, I'm grateful for your awesome work on TRANSFORMERS and all, but when the hell am I gonna get to see BAD BOYS 3 mofo!?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen clip: http://www.michaelbay.com/

My Two Cents: "The robots look sharp, and the detail keeps getting better and better. Bay's really going all out to appease the fans and it certainly shows. Now I wonder if he worked in that revised eighties tune?"

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AND THAT REMINDS ME: New Frankenstein


Welcome to my newest monthly segment "And that reminds me", where I'll cover a breaking tidbit of news and then branch off into something else (relevant to the story or otherwise) that it makes me think of.

So I'm hearing there's gonna be a new Frankenstein in town, a re-imagining of Mary Shelly's classic monster tale. I FRANKENSTEIN (an upcoming comic series) will be brought to the screen placing Franky in a modern day setting (where I guess he'll run into his monster counterparts like Dracula and Wolfman). The good news is, Kevin Grievoux (the co-creator of Underworld) and Patrick Tatopoulos (director or RISE OF THE LYCANS) are set to produce. The bad news is, Franky's not as lucky as his vampire and werewolf counterparts, at least they're human and can blend in. Franky's a seven foot tall dead guy with bolts sticking out of his head, making him a far cry from inconspicuous. And despite all that, this already wreaks of VAN HELSING (not a good thing) which reminds me...

The top five things I learned from Van Helsing:

One: When Dracula has sex with his hot vamp wives, they create ugly little egg babies that tend to blow up and turn into mucous like goo. Gross.

Two: After years of negative debate and feedback, Hollywood still hasn't learned that CGI monsters look CHEESY AS HELL.

Three: Van Helsing and Dracula are brothers? What drunken fucking asshat thought that shit up?!

Four: Men of God fight monsters? Hmmm, maybe Religion's cool after all.

Five: Kate Beckinsale looks amazing as hell in tight leather and a corset! As a matter a fact, ALL hot actresses should have to wear tight leather and corsets. There should be NO OTHER wardrobe choice for them.

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SPOTLIGHT: Daniel Craig

NAME: Daniel Craig

BDAY: March 2, 1968

BORN: Chester, England

TURN ONS: Hot Chicks, Layer Cake

TURN OFFS: Guys who kill hot chicks, body snatchers



Daniel Wroughton Craig was pretty big in the British theatre scene as a teenager (starting at age 14), and waited tables on the side to get by. Craig was married to Scottish actress Fiona Loudon from 1992-1994, but that was just the beginning. Craig also became a father in 1992, when daughter Ella born and then went on to make his film debut in THE POWER OF ONE later that same year. His popularity on TV was growing in the late nineties from a BBC2 show called OUR FRIENDS IN THE NORTH, and though TV offers began flooding in, he walked away from it all in hopes of hitting the big time with movies. And luckily for him (and us) he did just that.


He became known internationally after scoring supporting roles in LAURA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER with Angie and ROAD TO PERDITION with Tom Hanks. In 2004 he was nominated for an award for his leading performance in LAYER CAKE (a kickass flick in the vein of SNATCH and LOCK STOCK if you happened to miss it) and then teamed up with Eric Bana and Steven Spielberg in 2005 for MUNICH just before being cast as the sixth man to tackle the fast paced life of James Bond in CASINO ROYALE. Craig's bond was like nothing we'd ever seen before, he was a bolder, darker, tougher and all around better bond than those who came before him. And more than that, he was the refreshing change the franchise painstakingly needed if it was going to survive.

But Craig's far from a one hit wonder hiding in Bond's shadow. Since ROYALE, he's starred in two films with Nicole Kidman, THE INVATION (one of too damn many disappointing remakes of the classic INVATION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS) and the unfortunately underrated fantasy epic THE GOLDEN COMPASS. He got a bit of flack for the Bond followup QUANTUM OF SOLACE, but let me clear this up for all of you: SOLACE ROCKED! People keep trying to compare ROYALE and SOLACE saying that the latest flick just didn't measure up to the first. Wake up people, it was a continuation, meaning ONE STORY broken up into two films. It was also bond's origin story, so naturally the first half needed to kick some serious ass to get us hooked. Not to take anything away from SOLACE, the movie was jam packed with action, comic relief and a solid story. I really don't see the need to take shots at it. Daniel Craig took a chance with acting and worked his way to the top, and I for one, think he looks great up there. He's also a very down to earth guy who's been quoted saying stuff like "I go through life thinking it's all going to end tomorrow". Well Daniel, I'm happy to say I disagree with you there boss.

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REVIEW: Tyson

"Mmmm, your ears look delicious!"

A documentary of the life and trials of boxing's bad boy "Iron" Mike Tyson, the youngest and arguably best heavyweight boxing champion of all time.

Whether or not you're a fan of boxing (and especially if you're 25-30 years old) you've no doubt heard the name Mike Tyson at some point in your life. I mean shit, I don't really care too much for golf, but I know who Tiger Woods is. Mike, however, was a much bigger deal than Tiger Woods. I didn't know Iron Mike won his first heavyweight championship at twenty. That's a huge feat in itself. I like to watch the history channel from time to time in hopes of catching people's life stories, as it's always interesting to see the complete picture. I was just a kid when Mike was on top, now I wouldn't say he was my hero or anything but I sure as hell thought he was cool.

Mike's story is far from a happy tale though, losing his mentor (and the only man he ever truly trusted) just before winning his first title, and you quickly notice that a piece of Mike's soul dies with him. And then to realize your dream at such a young age, well, a skyrocket into stardom like that would be tremendously taxing on even the most level headed individual, but for a man like Mike with darkness brewing in his heart, it was the beginning of the end. And like any man in his position would do, Mike tried filling the void with enormous amounts of sex, booze, drugs and anything else he could do to make the pain go away.

From life on the street, to super stardom and even prison, Mike Tyson is one man who can honestly say he's seen it all. But if you look into his eyes, you can see it's not exactly a good thing, rather a constant battle he fights each and every day of his life. The great thing about Mike is that he's humbled. He knows he's made mistakes and he's the first one to admit to them. He may have regrets, but the man's not down for the count. He's a happy father, and though I wouldn't say he's "all there", he remains hopeful for the future and glad to be alive. If you're a fan of Mike, or just plain curious, TYSON is worth a peek. All that aside, Mike Tyson's Punchout was one of my favorite NES games of all time, and climbing the ladder to Mike was no easy task. I never could beat him though, and to this day I'm convinced it's fucking impossible. Stupid game.

Catch the TYSON trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYP_C2s10_M

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True Blood S2 Poster

"Due to my excitement and love of the series, I won't make fun of this poster. I will, however, go on record by saying they could have done better."

TRUE BLOOD generated a hell of a buzz last year for a vampire series, HBO or not. And I for one, was happily intoxicated by this buzz. I loved the show and can't wait for season two to start (I also begrudgingly curse HBO and SHOWTIME for making shows like TRUE BLOOD and DEXTER twelve episode long when they should be closer to twenty).

I did feel season one's final episode tried to cram too many "new" things in at the last minute to set the stage for season 2, but other than that I was pretty impressed with what TRUE BLOOD had to offer. And I had high hopes for another season as there are like six books in the series. But I won't jump the gun just yet, season two's gotta kick just as much ass (if not more) than the first one did before we start getting too carried away. TRUE BLOOD season 2 premiers June 14 on HBO.

My Two Cents: "I'm still not happy with the apparent death of Lafayette, he was my favorite human character dammit!"

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REVIEW: Bride Wars

"I swear to God, if one more fucking person calls me smurfette, they'll be getting two inches of heel in the eye."

Emma and Liv have been dreaming of a wedding at the Plaza since they were kids. When both friends get engaged at the same time, they become ecstatic for one another. That is, until a minor date mix up with the wedding planner accidentally has them getting married on the same day, bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase: "All's fair in love and war."

Oh yes, I too have a girlfriend, and as such must succumb to titles like this one from time to time. I won't lie to you though, it was hardly torture. Much like THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, this was a fun, laugh out loud comedy with emotional strings attached. The fact that our two best friends Emma and Liv are played by Anne Hatheway and Kate Hudson definitely make all the difference when you're sitting down to watch a movie about getting married. I enjoy both actresses a great deal, which was more than half the battle.

I loved the undertone of "best friends to the end" despite the bumps in the road these two women face. I've also hosted my share of wedding parties while working in the Hotel business, and rather enjoy seeing the effects pre-wedding jitters can have on people. I don't like watching best friends fight though, but without giving too much away, the movie does have a happy ending which will leave you feeling giddy and nice inside.

Often times you see the man's side of "take no prisoners" competition like this, though I never once questioned a woman's ability to play dirty. Kate and Anne have a wonderful chemistry here and you can't help but laugh as they try to sabotage one another time and time again. BRIDE WARS would never have been my first choice at the video store, but as "fluff" movies go, I gotta say this was something special and worth watching. So if you wanna surprise your girl and score a few "sensitivity" points, run out and snag yourself a copy of this one. Believe it or not fellas, you'll probably enjoy it too. Don't worry, I can keep a secret.

Catch the BRIDE WARS trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjsA0_arKtk

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Live action Family Guy?

"Family Guy has a fuckton of eccentric cast who I'm not so sure would covert well into real people. And still be funny that is."

I'll start by saying I'm a HUGE fan of Family Guy. If I had a hundred dollars for every time I've nearly laughed myself into tears while watching this show, I'd be rich bitch! That said, this season's kinda lame thus far, so I'm hoping Seth MacFarlane isn't running on fumes in a vain attempt to beat a dead horse. Now a line of questioning regarding a Family Guy movie on The Adam Corolla Podcast the other day led to MacFarlane share this tasty morcel:

"I can say with definitive assuredness that it will be out. Within the next few years. We already know what it’s gonna be. We’ve been trying to lock into something that makes it so that it has to be a movie, as opposed to an extended Family Guy episode. And I like the Simpson’s Movie , but that’s something they could do with animation on TV because they’re not constrained by sets. [...] You have to find some way to make it so that it has to be a movie."

He then proceeded to add that they were looking to possibly do a live action presentation, cause he didn't want it to just be a ninety minute Family Guy episode (which they've already done). Now that's all good and wonderful on paper, but tell me this, how in the name of Peter's nutsack are you gonna make Stewie and Brian look real without going into SCOOBY DOO like territory. I'm not knocking the idea, but it's a valid question seeing as how those two kinda MAKE the show and all.

My Two Cents: "I'm a firm believer in the demand for shows like Family Guy, which to me, are the TV equivalent of Hollywood's raunchy comedies like SUPER BAD and I LOVE YOU, MAN. I just don't wanna see MacFarlane crack under the creative pressure like Dave Cheppelle did."

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REVIEW: Into the Blue 2: The Reef

"I was serious about the LOST secrets, if I tell you, I really will have to kill you."

Sebastian is a diving instructor/treasure hunter with big dreams. When a wealthy couple enlist his aide in hopes of locating some goodies of their own, Sebastian thinks his ship has finally come in. His girlfriend Dani remains skeptical, and with good reason, as things are not what they seem.

I was a big fan of the original INTO THE BLUE, and though it kinda sucks losing Paul Walker (I can do without Jessica Alba) in the sequel, I was pleasantly surprised to find a pretty well balanced cast of TV stars and a story that wasn't dead in the water. Chris Carmack (Sebastian) is still fresh in my mind from THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT: REVELATIONS, and nails the lead role for a second time. Not bad considering these two flicks were his first major roles outside television. We also have Laura Vandervoort (Kara from SMALLVILLE), David Anders (Adam from HEROES) and Marsha Thomason (the chick who got knifed by Locke in LOST after parachuting into the jungle). Yeah, I watch a bit of TV, and as such was delighted with the cast.

Now storywise, there wasn't much going on as far as "new territory" is concerned, but then again, treasure hunting flicks are really all the same anyway. There were a couple twists, a few boobs, and some entertaining comic relief from their main competition guy, Avery. The cinematography was awesome, both above and under the water, with enough coolass jet ski action to make you drop whatever it is you're doing and start packing for the beach. Visually, the movie didn't let up, though I was waiting for someone to get chomped by a shark like last time.

INTO THE BLUE 2: THE REEF was another solid direct to DVD hit, sporting a cast you'll no doubt recognize and a fun story (linear and predictable as it may be). This is a great flick to kick you into summer mode, and to be honest, it was better than a some of the theatrical stuff I've seen lately. If you dug the first one, you'll be happy with the sequel, and if not...well shit, who isn't into watching a bunch of half naked guys and gals frolic around on the beach? I could think of worse settings, like a flick about a knitting contest in an old people's home. Of course, if it were me, I'd feed em all a bunch of booze and watch em go.

Catch the INTO THE BLUE 2: THE REEF trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHghX5HDdug&feature=related

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Next X-men flick

"Hey Psylocke, nice ass baby!"

Wolverine (from what I've seen of it) looks great and will no doubt turn quite a profit at the box office, shit, they're already planning a sequel for Christ sake. Now I'm not sure what happened to X-MEN ORIGINS: MAGNETO, but apparently there's a new X-MEN flick in the works called X-MEN FIRST CLASS. This new film won't pick up where LAST STAND left off (which is kinda've a bummer), instead we'll be seeing more of a "fast times at Xavier High" kinda deal as the first class part of the title is pushing exactly that: Xavier's first batch of students.

A young Scott, Jean, Storm and Beast have been confirmed but nothing beyond that. I'm not exactly on board here as this sounds kinda fucked up. You know, like how they put a halfassed Sabertooth in the first X-MEN, and then revamped his character (the way he should have been in the first place) in ORIGINS. Going back to this timeframe kinda screws them as far as cool characters go, so I'm not too sure how this is gonna pan out.

My Two Cents: "They need to scrap this bullshit idea and move MAGNETO forward. If we're gonna see a younger version of someone, it should most definitely be him. And in light of Wolverine's success, more Deadpool and Gambit wouldn't be so bad either."

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Crank 3: Diabetes

"Whether or not you enjoyed CRANK, it's rather hard to top Statham and Smart's sex scene in the middle of China town."

I'm a huge Jason Statham fan, but even I can't sit here and deny the utter hilarity surrounding the premise of CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE. And in light of this crazy premise, those witty fellas over at College Humor (my second favorite movie parody site) have put together a rough synopsis for a third CRANK flick. Check it out below. CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE hits theaters at the end of April.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1904529

My Two Cents: "Jason Statham is back with former co-star Jet Li in the much anticipated EXPENDABLES, their first project being the sci-fi flick THE ONE. I'm still hoping they revisit those roots for a sequel."

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Date Lindsay Lohan

"HI! I'm ready for our date now...you want a drink? No? How bout a big fucking knife!?"

I'm not a hundred percent sure why Lindsay Lohan's life is so damn important to people, but clearly it is. I'm not one for tabloid gossip, but the those comical peeps over at Funny or Die have an entertaining little clip of Lohan poking a bit of fun at herself. I'm glad to see the girl's still got a sense of humor after everything. Maybe she's not a total waste of life. See for yourself below.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0d646e2edb/lindsay-lohan-s-eharmony-profile

My Two Cents: "I still don't get why that assugly butch DJ chick dumped her. Of course, in retrospect, she prolly just pulled a Federline and used Lohan to become somewhat famous."

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Fast and Furious 5

"So Vin, you got a spot for me in your next Riddick movie or are you too scared I'll steal your thunder?"

Well, if you haven't seen FAST AND THE FURIOUS yet, you're one of the only ones. Vin and Paul's latest adventure has racked in over 200 million worldwide and it hasn't even been two weeks! I won't ruin the ending for you, but let's just say they left room for a sequel in the event of, well, this one made a shit ton of cash.

My boys over at JoBlo caught up with Paul Walker in LA and this is what he had to say about a fifth installment: "Vin and I will be coming back, we’re making a fifth one, and we’re going to Brazil, that’s it.”

Not much in the way details, but I'm sure there aren't many to be discussed at this point. What I do know is that Vin and Walker will have the final say (creatively) which is always a good thing. The latest one kicked some serious ass, and with Vin and Paul at the helm, I'm sure we can expect great things from the next one.

My Two Cents: "I didn't mind the second one, and TOKYO DRIFT wasn't too bad either, especially with a Vin Diesel cameo at the end. But lets be honest, it's not FAST AND FURIOUS without Vin and Paul together."

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