REVIEW: Jack and Jill

"I don't think you can fail on more epic a level."

Cocky advertising executive Jack Sadelstein is doing everything he can to schmooze Al Pacino into doing one of his commercials and with his stress level already maxed the last thing he wants or needs is a visit from his insane twin sister Jill.  Much to his ultimate dismay she comes over for the holidays and won't leave.

What the hell is wrong with Adam Sandler!?  Seriously, did half his brain melt over the past decade, was he replaced by a doppelganger with a 10 year-old mentality?  No, I'm pretty sure we've all seen and heard this sad tale before.   The guy's just not hungry anymore, and success can be unimaginably cruel when that fire goes out and you simply get lazy.  I'm not one of those haters whining about the past, I know full well the guy couldn't go on talking like an infant, garbling all his dialogue, yelling at imaginary penguins and throwing stuff, I get it, he's grown up, but that doesn't mean he has to suck as a comedian because of it.  And if one thing has become certain it's this; Sandler is definitely going out painfully.  Sad thing is, the pain is all ours. 

Sandler had a great track record of two funny as hell flicks to one snoozer for a long time, and for comedians that's a track record to be proud of as being consecutively funny isn't as easy as people may think.  I won't bother listing these accolades (if you're reading this, you're a broken fan who no doubt remembers the good times), instead I'll drop some of his most recent titles.  YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN was terrible, especially trailing I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY which felt like Sandler was at least trying to come back.  FUNNY PEOPLE was alright and I didn't mind JUST GO WITH IT but it was by no means exceptional.  JACK AND JILL is an all time low for me.  Some people hated LITTLE NICKY, but at least it was watchable, this will make every conscious part of your being quiver.

First and foremost I need to address the poop jokes.  Guys, this isn't SNL (by the way, they weren't funny then either), why in the name of Christ are you still squeezing poop jokes into these films!?  WHY!?  I wasn't so much angered by the way everyone here's phoning it in (who'd be surprised at this point), but damn, they're not even doing that, it's more like texting it in while casually driving around in circles on a Sunday afternoon.  The story is garbage, the message is garbage, the dialogue is garbage and the jokes...well, I can't even call them jokes legally.  Two versions of Jet Li = THE ONE = badass.  Two versions of Van Damme = DOUBLE IMPACT = good old fashioned action.  Two versions of Adam Sandler = (gun slowly being put in mouth).  Yes folks, it's that terrible.  And I seriously don't know what these fools did to entice Johnny Depp to come anywhere near this flop, let alone Al Pacino, whose present for an alarming amount of screen time (I will admit that commercial was the ONLY thing that made me laugh...but at the same time cry a little inside).

JACK AND JILL isn't the worst film I've ever sat through but it's damn sure close.  I want to say there was potential for laughs, I mean hell, three quarters of the SNL alums Sandler's worked with over the years are here, along with his regular entourage of peeps.  However, there was one thing that made me wonder...Rob Schneider was nowhere to be found (he's listed in the credits but I didn't see him).  Schneider's been sucking on the teet of Sandler's Happy Madison cash cow for years now, but even he was smart enough to steer clear of this train wreck (or at least from a noticeable role).  I could write ten more paragraphs as to why this flick stank to the high heavens but it's not worthy of print.  You're definitely slumming when you need the Subway sandwich guy in there for attempted laughs.  Like Pacino's Dunkin Donuts commercial, all copies of JACK AND JILL should be tracked down and burned.

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