REVIEW: Texas Chainsaw 3D

"So about the timeline..."

 An emotional  young girl heads to Texas with her friends to inherit the estate of her grandmother whom, until now, she didn't know existed.  The secrecy surrounding her family and this new home goes from uneasy to deadly when she discovers a hulking monster of a man wearing a human face and wielding a chainsaw living in basement.

The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is well known horror staple at this point.  Whether you've seen original or not, you've no doubt seen or at least heard of the many sequels, remake and prequel that followed.  A story that's been advertised as 'based on a true events' is loosely based upon the life and murderous rampage of Ed Gein.  Gein did in fact murder people, eat them and make masks, curtains and lamp shades out of their skin, but he didn't live in Texas.  Other characters inspired by Gein are PSYCHO's Norman Bates and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS' Buffalo Bill.  It's a good thing Gein didn't write a book because the copy right infringement lawsuits he could file would make him a rich man.  Hollywood doesn't care about any of this and the resulting TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (why they dropped the 'massacre' is beyond me and the 3D completely sucked) is a prime example of how to walk to line between fantasy and reality to make another quick buck.

As a horror title CHAINSAW 3D works and is sometimes entertaining.  As an entry into the CHAINSAW series it's interesting, but not overly adventurous.  This one begins where the original flick ended--adding footage from the original in the opening credits was a nice touch--choosing to ignore the three sequels, remake and prequel.  This Kool-Aid is tough to swallow until you finally choose to just 'go with it', this being the film's one redeeming quality.  The storyline from there is clunky, contrived and worst of all, obvious.  I like Alexandra Daddario (the fact that she's smoking hot helps too), but Heather as a character takes far too many leaps of faith and turns one too many a blind eye during her adventure. 

The characters here, or fresh meat if you will, are a mess.  It's not spoiler territory to talk about them getting smoked as we all know it's going to happen, but not only did I not care, I pretty much wanted them to die.  That's the tone this flick tries to push, they want us to root for Leatherface.  The hitchhiker is a given, the supposed boyfriend and best friend had terrible storylines and for the record, it would have been nice for Heather to actually 'see' this beforehand, which would have lent more credit to her overall attitude at the end.  She shrugs off far too much as she becomes focussed upon what happened to her family.  Newsflash Heather!  Your family were murderous cannibals who got what they deserved and as much as they try to make Leatherface sympathetic, it's a little hard to get around the fact that he's a psycho who kills people, eats them and wears their faces.

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D can be summed up as a time capsule paradox that has no idea what it is, where it's been or what it's doing.  The first one took place in the seventies and we're to believe this follows that film, meaning the year should be somewhere in the nineties as Heather looks to be twenty/twenty-five.  However, these characters are clearly living in present time due to the presence of iPhones, current wardrobe and the fact 2012 is written on a tombstone.  Beyond all that, the whole 'town secret' business just doesn't add up.  How could the police and forensic team not deduce the fact that Jeb wasn't among the rubble when they originally catalogued and photographed all the bodies?  What kind of cop turns a blind eye to murder, regardless if those being murdered 'deserve it' or not?  And seriously, how old is Leatherface?  Dude's a man the original (as well as the prequel) and this is twenty some odd years later.  Are we to believe he's pushing sixty and still able to wield a chainsaw like a tennis racket?  I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.  And as ridiculous as all this sounds, I saved the best for last; this flick's already made enough money to green light a sequel.  Who knows, with all this time jumping, maybe Leatherface will end up in space next.   

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