REVIEW: Movie 43

"This will make history as one of the worst movies of all time." 

A very random series of skits that will offend you, confuse you, sicken you and make you wonder if perhaps Hollywood is the root of all evil in this world.  You'll be pissed you wasted both your money and your time as you try and figure out why these people agreed to participate in this abomination.

I've written over two dozen four panel comic strips over the past four years so I understand how hard it is to be consecutively funny, it's a tough gig.  This is why I love comedies and respect the people who know how to play the game.  Spoof flicks have been a raw deal for years now and upon first seeing the trailer for MOVIE 43, that's the vibe I was getting.  I hoped I was wrong, and in a sense I was because even the worst spoof movie out there is at least vaguely better than this steaming pile of crap.

Now I use the word crap for a reason as this film (like many others) tries to use it as a form of humor.  Sigh.  Newsflash people, shit--in any sense or use of the term--is shit and shit ain't funny.  I loved Kevin Smith's DOGMA up until the whole shit demon thing.  Really Kev?  This flick tops that and then some.  I don't mind crude humor and to be honest, that's what I pegged this flick for as far as tone is concerned--the Batman and Robin skit was a perfect example of this and is the only enjoyable aspect of the movie--but this isn't crude humor.  Family Guy is crude humor (which is ironic as Seth MacFarlane makes an appearance and his show is mentioned), but this is just offensive.  A skit about guys freaking out over a girl's period, a home school parenting piece that'll make your skin crawl and I'm pretty sure I'll never look at Hugh Jackman or Halle Berry the same way again (you don't want to know).

My other concern comes in the form of this film's rating.  14A.  Seriously?  Is that a joke?  We've got obscene language from all over the spectrum, violence, some gory scenes and lots of nudity--and maybe it's just me, but when the southern mo-hawk makes an appearance (yes, that mo-hawk), I think we've waded into R rated waters.  One of the supposed gags here is Dennis Quaid trying to pitch this collection of shorts as a film and forcing Greg Kinnear to buy it at gunpoint.  Maybe this is based loosely on true events, because someone had to have been threatened at gunpoint to green light this atrocity.    

MOVIE 43 is one of the worst movies I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through (where's Peter Stormare when you need him, I could've used a Replacer).  There's tasteless humor via pushing the envelope and then there's nonsense like this which simply eats the envelope and pukes it back up in our faces.  I'd rather eat a bag of chocolate covered razor blades while getting my toes and fingers amputated with a cheese grater and eyelids peeled back with a hair curler after being lit on fire, than sit through this mess again.  Yes, it's that terrible.  Somewhere the movie gods are plotting their revenge and will probably drop a mountain on someone's face while their sleeping.  I hope it hurts.  Oh, do I hope it hurts.


  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

REVIEW: Dredd

"This movie's box office numbers were an injustice."



Judge Dredd and his rookie partner trace a new drug to the apartment complex where it's being manufactured and distributed.  It's not long before the building is locked down from the inside, leaving them to fend for themselves in a kill or be killed race against time.

The tale of Judge Dredd is a sad one, despite the fact that it shouldn't be.  I loved the campy Stallone version, but DREDD was one reboot I was seriously looking forward to.  The lore is there, the character is fantastic and the action looked beyond promising...so what the hell happened?  Why did this flick underperform?  Was it the R rating, poor timing or simply LIONSGATE's inability to properly showcase a film?  Who can know for sure, but here's my two cents:

From a character standpoint, Karl Urban blew this out of the water as Judge Dredd.  He had the look, the mannerisms, the attitude and the ass kicking ability to boot.  Even some of the cheesier lines were well executed, though I'll admit the writing here was pretty damn tight.  I also loved the fact that Urban didn't take off his helmet.  Not once.  And that's a good thing as too often Hollywood likes to throw in all these scenes where masked characters are unmasked, like we've forgotten it's Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield playing Spider-Man, or in case we forgot it's Robert Downey Jr. playing Iron Man.  We get it guys, enough already.  It's about the character, not the actor playing them.  So yes, that was a notable plus.

The action was nothing short of spectacular as well.  DREDD was R and for good reason as he ripped baddies a new a-hole left, right and center.  The violence wasn't overdone either and in my humble opinion fit the bill rather nicely.  The Slo-Mo drug was the coolest "new drug gimmick" since Nuke and True Blood, so hat's off the team for that as well.  The story here was alright, and even though Dredd and his smokin' rookie partner (loved the psychic avenue as well) were confined to a building all film--due to budget restrictions I hear--it worked well enough to keep me satisfied.  The always splendid Lena Heady's "Ma-Ma" was a touch weak and underused in the villain department, but it's a small complaint.

DREDD tanked at the box office and I'm pissed because it shouldn't have.  This was everything fans of the genre and character begged for.  Of course, that said, why their asses weren't in the theater is still somewhat of a mystery.  Now I say somewhat because LIONSGATE shouldn't have lobbed this flick out there as a summer movie.  What they should have done was launch it as a January/February release instead (case in point, the abysmal TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D made over twenty million in its opening three days this month and got green-lit for another installment).  Sigh.  Of course in retrospect, THE LAST STAND only took in six million this week, so it's not entirely certain DREDD would have done any better.  I personally think it would have, but I guess we'll never know.  



  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

TRAILER: Olympus Has Fallen

Well first off I'd like to welcome Gerard Butler back to the world of action and add it's about damn time! I know some guys like to jump around with roles, but he nailed the action gig down with 300 and we've all been expecting him to produce big numbers in the action world. And despite this looking like a more visceral, updated version of AIR FORCE ONE--on the ground rather than in the air--I'm digging the vibe. Can't wait to see more.

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

GAME TRAILER: Call Of Duty Black Ops 2 with Peter Stormare

As if we needed another reason to love Peter Stormare. Call Of Duty is great and all, but nothing beats this commercial for the title of epic. It speaks for itself.

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

REVIEW: Texas Chainsaw 3D

"So about the timeline..."

 An emotional  young girl heads to Texas with her friends to inherit the estate of her grandmother whom, until now, she didn't know existed.  The secrecy surrounding her family and this new home goes from uneasy to deadly when she discovers a hulking monster of a man wearing a human face and wielding a chainsaw living in basement.

The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is well known horror staple at this point.  Whether you've seen original or not, you've no doubt seen or at least heard of the many sequels, remake and prequel that followed.  A story that's been advertised as 'based on a true events' is loosely based upon the life and murderous rampage of Ed Gein.  Gein did in fact murder people, eat them and make masks, curtains and lamp shades out of their skin, but he didn't live in Texas.  Other characters inspired by Gein are PSYCHO's Norman Bates and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS' Buffalo Bill.  It's a good thing Gein didn't write a book because the copy right infringement lawsuits he could file would make him a rich man.  Hollywood doesn't care about any of this and the resulting TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (why they dropped the 'massacre' is beyond me and the 3D completely sucked) is a prime example of how to walk to line between fantasy and reality to make another quick buck.

As a horror title CHAINSAW 3D works and is sometimes entertaining.  As an entry into the CHAINSAW series it's interesting, but not overly adventurous.  This one begins where the original flick ended--adding footage from the original in the opening credits was a nice touch--choosing to ignore the three sequels, remake and prequel.  This Kool-Aid is tough to swallow until you finally choose to just 'go with it', this being the film's one redeeming quality.  The storyline from there is clunky, contrived and worst of all, obvious.  I like Alexandra Daddario (the fact that she's smoking hot helps too), but Heather as a character takes far too many leaps of faith and turns one too many a blind eye during her adventure. 

The characters here, or fresh meat if you will, are a mess.  It's not spoiler territory to talk about them getting smoked as we all know it's going to happen, but not only did I not care, I pretty much wanted them to die.  That's the tone this flick tries to push, they want us to root for Leatherface.  The hitchhiker is a given, the supposed boyfriend and best friend had terrible storylines and for the record, it would have been nice for Heather to actually 'see' this beforehand, which would have lent more credit to her overall attitude at the end.  She shrugs off far too much as she becomes focussed upon what happened to her family.  Newsflash Heather!  Your family were murderous cannibals who got what they deserved and as much as they try to make Leatherface sympathetic, it's a little hard to get around the fact that he's a psycho who kills people, eats them and wears their faces.

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D can be summed up as a time capsule paradox that has no idea what it is, where it's been or what it's doing.  The first one took place in the seventies and we're to believe this follows that film, meaning the year should be somewhere in the nineties as Heather looks to be twenty/twenty-five.  However, these characters are clearly living in present time due to the presence of iPhones, current wardrobe and the fact 2012 is written on a tombstone.  Beyond all that, the whole 'town secret' business just doesn't add up.  How could the police and forensic team not deduce the fact that Jeb wasn't among the rubble when they originally catalogued and photographed all the bodies?  What kind of cop turns a blind eye to murder, regardless if those being murdered 'deserve it' or not?  And seriously, how old is Leatherface?  Dude's a man the original (as well as the prequel) and this is twenty some odd years later.  Are we to believe he's pushing sixty and still able to wield a chainsaw like a tennis racket?  I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.  And as ridiculous as all this sounds, I saved the best for last; this flick's already made enough money to green light a sequel.  Who knows, with all this time jumping, maybe Leatherface will end up in space next.   

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

TRAILER: The Last Exorcism 2

Exorcism movies have been played out these past few years, which was exactly why it took me so long to watch THE LAST EXORCISM. Truth be told I loved it. However, the best thing about that flick was the esteemed reverend and since he's not in the sequel I really don't see the need for one. That said, there were tons of ways they could have evolved this film, but the end product here in this trailer screams "same old, same old." What a shame.

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS